


All The Boys I Used To Love

by handlewithkara



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alien Culture, Angst, Arranged Marriage, Confessions, Drunkenness, F/M, Gen, Humor, Men Crying, Smut, drunk!Kara
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:20:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 22,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23988754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/handlewithkara/pseuds/handlewithkara
Summary: Set post season 3. After Kara is determined to marry a Kryptonian from Argo, Alex must take extreme measures to stop her.
Relationships: Alex Danvers & Kara Danvers, Kara Danvers & Alura In-Ze | Alura Zor-El, Kara Danvers & Mon-El, Kara Danvers/Mon-El, Kara Danvers/Other(s)
Comments: 189
Kudos: 70





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language and I don't have a beta reader :(

“I’m doing this. You are not going to change my mind, so just… stop! Look, Alex, you mean the world to me, but this, this is important to me, too. You, you have made your feelings heard, but this is between me and Zan-Or. Me and Argo.”

Alex threw her hands up in the air. “Fine! If you aren’t going to listen to me, at least let me set up your wedding shower.”

Kara blinked. “A wedding shower.”

“Yes. You wanted me to support you, so I will. But then let me do this. If you are going to go through with your plans, at least let me be part of it.”

Kara angled her head. She wanted to believe what her sister was saying. From the moment the idea had come to her she had expected resistance from Alex and that’s exactly what she had gotten. It wasn’t like Alex to give in so easily. Though easy would be an understatement. They had been fighting like cats and dogs over it. Kara had already mentally prepared herself that Alex would refuse to attend or take any part in the ceremony at all, even as she was sure that Alex would forgive her eventually. It would take time, but if Kara could only show her, could only make her understand that this wasn’t what Alex was fearing… Kara had already mapped out all the arguments out in her head.

To have Alex relent so early was … unexpected to say the least. But was it up to her to turn down an offered olive branch? Maybe it would convince Alex to give Argo more of a chance.

“I guess that could work? I’ll talk to the elders. They know how much earth means to me. Surely they won’t have a problem with I follow some earth customs before the act itself.”

“Then let me set it up.”

Kara smiled. “Deal.”

“Deal.”

*

Kara tugged at the sleeves of her Kryptonian dress. Once more she ran the conversation with Alex through her head. She wanted to believe that her sister really had the best intentions. All Alex had said on the comm was that she had invited some guests from earth and they would be arriving early for the festivities. Kara had assured her that it wouldn’t be a problem, the Argo-nites would agree the house them, after accepting a clean bill of health issued by the DEO.

No need to get nervous, she told herself. Alex just wanted what was best for her and Kara would show her that this was indeed for the best. The thin bracelet on her wrist lit up, gently letting her know that the guess had arrived and had passed the whetting process. Her heart rate quickened as she stepped outside the house to greet them. Alex hadn’t even told her who it was, insisting that it should be a surprise.

Tears shot into Kara’s eyes. Her heart leaped in her chest as two familiar shapes appeared in front of her.

“Winn! James!” She raced towards them and threw her arms around them. “I can’t believe you came.”

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world.” James familiar deep voice rumbled in her ear.

Kara laughed. “I can’t believe I can hug you.” She curtsied jokingly. “You know, like a human.” Her eyes moved on to Winn. “And you…” Her voice was fraught with emotion. “I’m so glad you are here.” Part of her had been worried that all of her human friends might feel the same as Alex.

“Wasn’t counting on attending a wedding on an asteroid so soon,” Winn joked.

Kara blinked against the tears in her eyes. She had been so caught up on Argo and the preparations, she hadn’t even realized just how much she had missed her friends. She swallowed hard at the thought that even when she returned to earth, Winn wouldn’t be there. Yet another thing the future had taken from her.

“I missed you so much, you guys.” They laughed and pulled her into a big three-way hug. Just like the good old times, a time before Argo, before Reign, before….

Winn interrupted their embrace as he pulled away, a twinkle in his eye. “I think there’s still one more guest that we are expecting. I think you missed him. He was just wrapping up the last formalities.”

Kara's heart lept into her throat. She whirled around.

“You.”

Mon-El stepped forward. “Good to see you again, Kara.”


	2. Chapter 2

Kara stared at him open-mouthed. What was he doing here? He was gone. He was supposed to be gone. How did Alex even find him? Why had he come? How on Earth….

Her eyes narrowed. “You! Follow me!” she barked. 

Before he could say anything, she grabbed Mon-El’s arm and dragged him along with her away from his others. Her veins boiled with anger as she pulled him out into the patio. Still frazzled by his presence, Kara let go of his arm. She closed the door behind them, hiding them from the surprised faces of her human friends. She started pacing. 

“Kara…”

Kara shot him a dirty look and continued fuming quietly. “I can’t believe Alex did that to me,” she blurted out at last.

“Kara….” Mon-El said weakly. 

“I knew she was hiding something. How did she even find you? What is she trying to achieve with this anyway?”

“Kara, please, it doesn’t have to be like that. I came here as a friend.”

“What was she even thinking? Did she really think I wasn’t going to realize what she’s doing? I can’t believe she lied to me!”

Kara spun around before he could reply. She stabbed her finger at his chest. Her angry thoughts whirled through her brain. 

“You know what? You are right. This is fine. Completely fine. It doesn’t make a difference. If Alex thinks that she can Ghosts of Christmas Past me, she’s wrong. Because I’m gonna have a good time. With my friends. Whether she wants me to or not.“ Before he could reply she brushed past him and waltzed back into the living lounge where James and Winn were waiting for her, looking at her awkwardly. 

With an exaggerated gesture, Kara threw herself onto the soft cushions of the chaise longue. 

“I’m going to have fun, “ she declared, her gaze traveled over her guests. “With my friends. We are going to have fun. We are going to have a good time. You are going to see Argo, and most of all you are going to tell Alex that she’s completely paranoid.” 

Kara’s eyes narrowed. “So, which one of you brought alcohol?”

*

Of course, it was Mon-El. 

Yes, James had brought a bottle of fine red fine, but it was the bulbous flask of Nyxian Ale that caught her attention.

“Well keep that one for later,” she decided and stored the ancient-looking bottle away in a container. In its stead, she pulled out a pitcher for fresh Argo-made Kryptonian juice. Dealing out cups to everybody, she filled them to the brim, while dispensing information on how Argo had managed to slowly restore the kind of climate that was suitable to homegrown fruits. 

“To a good time for all,” she toasted, smiling demonstratively. Whether Alex had really meant it or not, they were going to have a proper pre-wedding party. “To the future.” 

Her guests exchanged dubious looks. “To the future!” they repeated at last. 

Their cups clanked together and Kara’s pulse settled down a bit. She could do this. Even if it was against Alex’s wishes. 

“Delicious,” James noted, experimentally licking his lips. Mon-El smiled politely. 

“Well,” Kara said, setting her cup back onto the table. “We still have some time before the evening meal.” She smiled a broad smile. “It’s time for you to get to know the city. It’s time to meet Argo!”


	3. Chapter 3

“… and this is where I grew up.”

Kara couldn’t quite squash the sense of pride she felt when she showed off Argo and saw the admiration in James and Winn’s eyes. She felt nervous like a fluttering, doting mother ushering her child off to kindergarten. It made her realize that this meant something to her. She wanted James and Winn to love it like her. She wanted them to like Argo, to see the potential that lay within. Krypton had made mistakes, but here lay the chance for a future. A real future.

It looked barely anything like the city she remembered from her childhood. Most of the modern, technologically advanced buildings had been torn down, refitted for a completely new way of life, a different industry. A city of trade and art had been brutally restructured to be self-sufficient, to live more in harmony with nature so as not to repeat the mistakes of the past. And yet, underneath all these changes, the Kryptonian spirit still swelled.

“I’d love to know more about how they keep everything here in place. The gravity! The atmosphere alone!”

Kara smiled to herself. Winn was pretty transparent in his excitement.

“I’m sure somebody can give you a tour. You are my friends. There are no secrets.” She had a feeling that Winn would be even more impressed when he learned how many of Argo’s protections had been her father’s contributions. “We should have the time.”

James stepped up. “So, when’s the wedding?”

“The joining ritual,” Kara corrected him. “Three more days.”

“So soon!” Winn blurted out. He looked over to James. “I guess he must be a really special guy.”

Kara smiled awkwardly. “It’s, it’s not really a big deal. Let’s, let’s just move on, shall we?”

*

By the time they arrived at the house, her mother had returned from her council meeting. Kara breathed a sigh of relief.

“And these are my friends from Earth, James and Winn. I don’t think you got a chance to properly meet last time you were on earth. We used to work together. Well, me and James still do, in a way, not like before, but in a way.” She was babbling. Well, there was no avoiding it. “And you probably remember Mon-El,” Kara finished icily.

Kara stiffened as her mother moved to pull Mon-El into a light hug.

“I’m very glad to meet Kara’s friends. I was told there would be guests, but not who it was. I did not expect to see a familiar face.”

“It was a surprise, mom.” _Thanks, Alex._

“What a wonderful custom. I’m glad that you have come to see my daughter’s union.”

“We are very honored,” Mon-El said.

“We were all pretty surprised,” Winn added and James elbowed him in the side. The two friends exchanged poignant looks. “Why?” Winn insisted. “It’s okay, isn’t it?”

“Of course, it’s okay,” Kara said nervously. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

“So,” Winn began, “How did you meet … “

“Zan-Or?” Kara stroked along her braid. “I was visiting Argo, trying to be around my mother.” She smiled at Alura. “Reforge our bond.” Alura returned the smile and reached to squeeze Kara’s hand. Kara felt emotion well up in her chest as she recalled the moment.

“We were talking about how wonderful Argo is. How much I missed it. How much I would like to take a part of it with me. How much I want to be part of it, take part in its future.” Kara’s voice nearly broke as she thought back to it. It made her wish she could reach into her friends, into their hearts, so they could feel what she had felt. She didn’t trust her words to carry the enormity of meaning. “It just felt so right. Like coming home.” Like living the life she had been supposed to live. Before the destruction of Krypton. Before earth. Before Alex. Before Supergirl.

Everybody fell quiet. Only the insects whirred and Kara felt the hold of her mother’s hand.

“And then?”

“Then I asked my mother whether there were any potential candidates.” Kara laughed at the memory. “Of course Argo is a small community and most Argonites marry young now.” She glanced at Alura. Her mother’s trepidation had been so obvious. It was not an easy situation to navigate. In a lot of ways Argo still lived like a community under war time.

Back on Krypton, the matching algorithm would have been able to choose between millions of potential partners. Alura had been worried, agonizing that her daughter might be forced to into a suboptimal match.

“I’m so glad I found him.” High 80s match. A very respectable result. Kara had wanted to tell her mother that any result would have been fine. People were people. They could find each other, grow together. But the comparatively high match result had done a lot to assuage her mother’s worries.

 _Are you sure?_ she had repeated.

 _Yes, yes, yes, don’t worry._ Kara had replied.

“We went to his house to meet his parents for negotiations,” Kara concluded. “And we found them open minded.”

They had been wonderful people. She had been so glad. It had been a humbling experience, to hear those ancient phrases of courtship and enact its rituals. Things she had only heard about as a child. Back when she grew up, most people shortened the ceremonies, keeping only the most meaningful parts, but the hardships of isolation had brought a trend to return to observance. A way to link back to their lost past.

Kara bit her lower lip. She almost regretted sharing her story. It must have sounded so wrong, so alien to her human friends.

No! She thought to herself. She would not feel ashamed of sharing something this personal with the people she loved as friends. Kara looked up and met their eyes.

“I’m so glad you are here.”

*

The reflective surface of the mirror showed her own familiar face, even as the background revealed itself as her room on Argo rather than her cozy apartment on Hope Street, National City. It was still strange to Kara to think of this as truly hers. Even though it was the place where her mother lived, where she would always be welcome.

 _Kara Zan-Or._ What a strange feeling, to think of herself as that.

Kara reached for her hairbrush and began to comb through her long blond hair.

It wouldn’t make a difference. Still, it would be something new. She liked the thought of new. She would never abandon Earth, would never abandon Alex, she had every intention to return.

And yet, there was something compelling about returning as something new, with somebody new. After all, she had changed, she _was_ changed. Maybe it would be a good thing to carry a signifier of that with her, as part of her name, even if it was one that most people would never know about.

In the end, life was change.

“Are you coming?”

Kara turned to find her mother leaning on the doorframe, a warm smile on her lips, joy shining in her eyes.

“Yes, almost ready.”

Alura stepped into the room and took Kara’s hands into hers. “You don’t have to come if you don’t want to. If you’d rather spend time with your friends from Earth instead.”

Kara deftly shook her head. “No. I want you to come. This is my home, too. My home and my people.”


	4. Chapter 4

As Kara descended towards the milling crowd of well-wishers, a soft smile played on her lips. With the Kryptonian population so reduced, weddings were a big event. She had been too young to truly grasp the underlying tensions between the isolationists of Krypton and those who sought more contact with other worlds. It had been there, bubbling underneath, in the tense and veiled conversations between her parents, between her father and his brother.

As a child, she had tried to ignore it and even as an adult it wasn’t something she had liked thinking about. After all, Earth had embraced her and when she didn’t, at least she wished they would. Kara disliked the thought that if fortunes had been reversed, Krypton might not have extended the same courtesy to the Last Girl of Earth. Kara brushed the thought aside.

It felt good to see the people embrace her, her and her human heritage and relations, to fully support her union to one of theirs, even as it meant she would take him away from their besieged community. A shadow of sadness traveled across her heart. Why couldn’t Alex see it the same way? Why couldn’t she see what it meant to these people to give up one of theirs to a foreign world?

Winn was talking animatedly to a group of politely smiling Argonites. Kara wasn’t quite sure, but he might have been even trying to hit on Eneva, daughter of Farah-Tor. She contemplated telling him that Eneva was already joined, as were most of the people attending, or even just in Argo in general. Instead, Kara grabbed a drink. Her eyes found James standing close to the food offerings.

“James,” she said, approaching from behind. She handed him a cup. “How’s Lena?”

A pained expression appeared on his handsome face. “Thinking that I’m on a business trip.”

 _Oh._ “I’m sorry. I didn’t think about the position I’m putting you in just so you could be here with me.” Kara looked down. “It must be tough to lie to the person you love.”

“You are my friend, Kara. I’ll always protect your secret.” Kara took a deep breath. Now wasn’t the time for tears. She blinked rapidly and pulled him into a hug.

“Thank you.” She laughed. “Ouff, I forgot you give the best hugs.”

His warm laughter joined with hers.

She lowered her gaze to the floor. “I’m sorry I dragged you guys to literally the other end of the universe. All of this must have come as quite a shock to you,” she murmured.

His expression went serious. “One could say that.”

Kara’s face paled. “And you can’t even talk about it to Lena. I’m so sorry.” She squeezed him tighter. At least here she could without any danger of hurting him. It seemed to surprise James, too.

James shrugged. “I’ll manage.” He frowned. “As far as your plans are concerned, I can’t say I understand it, but we are here for you.” He put his hand on her arm. “I’m glad you found your home, your people, Kara. And no matter what happens, we’ll always love you.”

“Thank you James. It really means a lot.” Kara laughed. “Who knows, maybe one of these days Zan-Or and I and you and Lena will have our first double date.”

Once more, she breathed easier as her mind settled on that hopeful image. Maybe, just maybe she could really do this. It might not have been what Alex intended, but maybe her sister’s ambush would turn to something good.

James looked more solemn. “I’m not so sure about that.”

“Yes, right.” Zan-Or would need a cover identity as well. Kara realized that she hadn’t given much thought to what he would be called on earth. Somehow she had counted on the first weeks being hectic enough for him to settle in, it hadn’t even occurred to her. It would probably take a while for a straight-laced Kryptonian to get used to not giving himself away in front of others. “I’m sure we’ll figure something out.”

*

Standing on the side, Kara wrung her hands nervously. It shouldn’t be a big deal, to have Kryptonians, humans and one Daxamite mingling, but she couldn’t shake the fear that something could go wrong. Her mother had invited some of her associates from the council. As much as her brain told her that there was nothing to worry about, Kara found herself assaulting a napkin by relentlessly drawing it through her hands. Zan-Or and his family were nowhere to be seen yet and Kara was glad for it. She had heard they were holding their own reception. One less thing to worry about.

“Hey, Kara.” Despite her best intentions, Kara jumped.

“Thara!” They shared a hug in greeting. “Glad you could make it. Is Lir-Al with you?”

“Still putting the kids to bed, but he’ll join us later.”

The bubbly Kryptonian’s eyes swept the room. “Are those your friends from earth? I heard they visited the refinery. I can’t believe I missed them there.” She looked at Kara. “I wish I could see it for myself, you know. Earth.” She paused. It took a second for Kara to realize the reason for it.

“But Argo can’t spare you, easily.”

“Yeah. I know. Just, you know. One day.” Kara took her friend’s hand and squeezed it in support. She knew the whole topic of visiting other planets was complicated on Argo. She didn’t want to to bring up that it wasn’t exactly uncontroversial on earth either.

Thara smiled brightly. “Well, at least we have you.”

Kara smiled back. “Yes, for a while.”

“How long are you staying anyway?”

“Just a couple of months to get acclimated to the marriage and prepare Zan-Or for Earth. Wouldn’t want to miss out on my honeymoon,” she joked.  
Thara looked at her in confusion. “Honey what?”

“Oh, that’s just something humans say. On Earth, they think that there is something very special about the period right after the joining.”

“Oh. Okay.” Thara grabbed a glass. Behind them, the sweet sweeps of a lirica started to play.

Kara leaned in closer, lowering her voice. It felt silly to share her story with all the others when she was talking to the one person who could actually relate to it. “I can’t believe I’m here. The last time I attended a party like this we were just kids, hiding on the upper floor, being forbidden from coming down.”

“Yes and peeking down on all the guests!” The two childhood friends shared a look. “And now they are all here to anticipate your joining.”

“Seems so unreal. Like I skipped so many steps in between. “ She bit her lip. She and Thara hadn’t really had too much quality time to catch up. Kara had no idea how many steps Thara had to miss out on in her life due to the destruction of Krypton and the grueling early days of Argo.

“You know,” Thara said, changing the subject. “When you came back, I really thought you’d get joined to him.” She tilted her head in the direction of Mon-El who was peacefully conversing with High Council Member Jul-Us.

“What?” Kara stuttered. “Why would you say that?”

Thara shrugged. “I don’t know. When you came back and he was with you, we just assumed that he was your mate.”

“He isn’t,” Kara interjected instantly. “I mean,” she corrected herself. “He wasn’t. Not even back then.”

The bouncy brunette Kryptonian peace officer laughed. “I remember I kept wondering whether you’d want to have a rejoining ceremony on Argo. And what that would even be like with, you know … “

“A Daxamite.”

“Yes.” Thara tilted her head. “You know I was really young when… I only knew them from stories.”

Kara looked at her old friend uneasily. “May I ask you something?” she blurted out at last.

“Of course, Kara!”

Kara took a deep breath. “What was it like? To get joined with Lir-Al? I feel it must have been … “ _Crowded,_ was the first word that popped into her head.

Thara shrugged. “I was very lucky. We are a good match. It’s been almost 10 years now.”

“Ten years!” Kara gasped. She and Thara had grown up together and despite the very different routes their lives had taken through time and space, they were back to being close to the same age again. Ten years. That figure seemed impossibly large to her. Of course, it made sense that a vulnerable society like Argo would encourage their own to marry young.

“Was, was Zan-Or among the ones you considered?”

“Of course.”

“Any particular reason why you … ?”

Thara shrugged. “Not really. There weren’t that many suitable potential mates to choose from. I knew Lir-Al, I had come across him during my work and I just liked him better.” She looked at Kara. “Zan-Or is a good man. I’m glad that he got another chance to find a mate. We don’t get many visitors here.“

Kara blinked. It wasn’t something that she’d really considered. Her mother hadn’t shared all the details but from what she had gleaned, Argo was still very fearful of their precarious situation, hesitant to make contact with other races. Likely Zan-Or’s only option for another match would have been to wait for a mated partner to die and that in a society where every life was precious.

Thara looked like there was something more she wanted to say, but instead, she held back.

“Sorry if I seem a bit distracted,” Kara mumbled. “I guess, I guess part of me is still waiting for somebody.” Upon Thara’s questioning look, Kara elaborated. “Alex Danvers. My sister from earth. She didn’t come.” Kara felt a pang of guilt as soon as the words left her mouth. She and Thara had been as close as sisters once. And Thara’s brother Aran had been among the countless lives lost in the early days of Argo. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

“No, no, it’s okay. So, a human sister, huh?”

“Yep.”

“Seems like a unique constellation.”

Kara smiled despite herself. “It is.”

*

Having led Thara over to meet Winn and weaving through a trove of well wishers Kara forced herself to relax. This was her now. Perfect Kryptonian, perfect Argonite host. Winn happy. James happy. Her mother happy. Alex _not_ changing her mind. She blinked. That was nothing she could change. 

That left only one thing unaccounted for. Her eyes scanned the room. 

She found him on the balcony sipping on a cup of plain water. “There you are.”

“Yep.” 

Kara rubbed her shoulder absentmindedly. He looked oddly at home here. “Must be pretty boring,” she offered, “for a Daxamite to stuck at such a tame Kryptonian party.”

Mon-El snorted. “Believe me, in politics I’ve been to many a worse party than this. Compared to the annual funding meeting of the United Planets this is basically a riot.”

Kara breathed softly and let herself drop into a comfy lounge chair. “Yeah, I wouldn’t know about that.”

Mon-El looked down into his cup. “You are not missing much.”

Unsure on what to say, Kara knitted her hands together, to keep them from running amok, tugging at her hair. “Must be pretty busy over there.” Wait, that wasn’t right. She tilted her head. “Or rather: then.” 

“It is.”

Simple. Noncomittal. 

“Spoken like a true politician,” she blurted out.

His eyes widened in surprise. Kara pressed her lips together. Oh, well, let him be insulted. Because she sure remembered a Mon-El who struggled mightily not to put his foot into his mouth. “Didn’t think you had it in you.” 

His eyes rested on her pensively for a long time. “I guess I ended up exactly as what I was raised for after all.” 

Kara opened her mouth to protest, to bristle at the notion. After all, he hadn’t turned out like his parents at all. _Wait._ Anger rose up on her. Why was she getting ready to argue with him? Let alone pep talk him. Not way. Was not gonna happen. She stood up demonstratively and walked over to the counter. Grasping a crystalline pitcher, she poured herself a cup and took a big swig. It was sweet, pleasant, like all the liquors produced on Argo. “Well, thank you for taking time out of your busy life to attend my joining,” she said, surprising herself with the amount of barely concealed anger in her voice. 

“I was surprised when Alex contacted me. I wasn’t sure about it. Whether coming here would be the right thing to do.”

Liquid. Pretty swirling liquid. No need to get angry. Kara turned around. “But you still did what Alex wanted you to do,” she said bitterly. 

“I did.” 

Kara shrugged and sucked in her lower lip. “Could have asked me first?” she mumbled. 

Mon-El raised an eyebrow in surprise. “Would you have said no?” 

Kara opened her mouth. “What? No. Of course not. I’d never.” She felt her face flash with anger. She fought the urge to cover her forehead with her hands. It just wasn’t fair. All this stuff about the crinkling, it was a complete misrepresentation of what she really felt. She vowed to get bangs as soon as she returned to Earth with Zan-Or. 

He sighed. “I can leave if you want me to.”

“Wait, that’s not what I meant,” she rushed to say. Kara wasn’t sure what exactly Alex’s intention might have been, but she vowed to herself that whatever it was, it wouldn’t work. She was at peace with this. “No, you were right. It doesn’t have to be this way. I was just… surprised to see you. I guess seeing Winn should have tipped me off. Looks like I’m not really used to him being gone yet, huh.”

Mon-El looked away. “I’m sorry about that.”

“Don’t be.” 

A moment of awkward silence hung between them. Kara drew in a deep breath and clapped her hands together. “You know what? I think it’s time that I open up your gift.” She rose and fished the bottle out of its hiding place. 

Mon-El smiled. “I don’t know, Kara, it’s pretty strong. It’s really supposed to be mixed with…”

Before he could finish the sentence the ale had already hit her tongue. “Wow,” her eyes watered. “That’s strong.” 

Mon-El laughed despite himself, small wrinkles appearing in the corner of his eyes. “I told you…” It still threw her. Well, it wouldn’t anymore. 

Kara harrumphed and took another swig. It burned all the way down into her belly. She started coughing and he laughed and she laughed with him. He offered her his cup and Kara filled it for him. The burn of the alien liquid was starting to seep into her body. Mon-El brought the cup to his lips, taking a sip. A small one, like a connoisseur, enjoying the taste. From the way he leaned back, he must have been satisfied with it. 

Kara took another swig while he watched her, daring him to stop her. 

“So you are really doing this,” he said instead.

“Yep,” she said. Mon-El clinked their glasses together. 

“Here’s to you then.”

“Here’s to me.” Kara’s head felt a bit woozy, but in a nice way. What was it about alcohol that made your tongue feel heavier and lighter at the same time. She raised her glass and swung it around, admiring the way the purple liquid swirled inside. “You know what?” she said, pondering. “This is nice. Just talking. No tension. No arguing. Just talking.”

Mon-El smiled faintly. “I’m glad. I wouldn’t want to ruin your time here.”

“Don’t worry, you won’t.” Another swig. Kara jumped up. It was good to stretch her legs, she decided. “After all,” she gesticulated into the air, the purple liquid from Mon-El’s gift threatening to escape the rim of her glass, but she caught it in time. From the corner of her eye, she caught a glimpse of herself, of her own face in the mirror. “I found my people again. I found my mother.” Kara blinked. Just saying those words brought tears to her eyes. Mon-El didn’t make a sound. Instinctively, her gaze flickered onto his face. After all, it hadn’t exactly been the same for him when he found out his parents were still alive. Her own words echoed in her mind as she remembered pushing him towards them, towards taking that chance. “You believe me, don’t you? You understand why I’m doing this, right?” 

Mon-El took a deep, sighing breath. “I think I do.”

“Good.” Kara took another sip. The alcohol was good. It dulled any simmering feelings of anger. _I have a feeling I’m always going to be a little bit mad at you._ She whirled around and dropped back into her chair. Her hands were tingling, as if tiny insect feet were dancing on them. She held them up to the light. Nothing. 

“This is nice,” she decided. “Just being here with you, getting along. No hard feelings.” 

“Nice,” he repeated and took a big gulp from his cup. 

Kara tilted her head and looked at him through narrowed eyes. Maybe one of these days she’d be able to ask him how the wife was.

“Do you happen to have another bottle?”

Mon-El grinned. “Indeed I do.”


	5. Chapter 5

“Why is everybody treating me like I’m an idiot?” The gifted liquid burned pleasantly in her throat. “Even my mom asked me whether I was really sure. Why is everybody acting like this is such a big deal? It’s just marriage. They are all overthinking it. You agree with me, don’t you?” Kara winced. The flash of a memory came over her. Mon-El in his traditional Daxamite suit. He’d been so happy to see her. She stared down into her cup. “You know it’s not a big deal,” she repeated. Or maybe it was different for him now?

Kara turned her face towards Mon-El. “Do you, do you think I could grow to love him? That I could be happy with him?” She looked at him, anticipating what he would say.

Mon-El swallowed hard. It took him a long time to reply. “You have a large and generous heart. I think you might.”

Kara tilted her head. “Did it hurt to say that?”

Mon-El chortled. “Fuck yes.”

She joined him in laughter. “Good. I’m glad. I’m glad that it’s still painful to you, too.”

He clinked their glasses together. “Here’s to honesty.”

“To honesty.” She brought the drink up to her lips. Her thoughts were like butterflies. “You know,” she mused. “I never told him that, that I had a past. With a Daxamite I mean.” Worry lines appeared on her forehead. “He probably knows. Mom might have told him. It’s not like it’s a secret.” It’s a small city. Now. Probably everybody knows. Knows about Zor-El’s wayward daughter. The one who is barely a Kryptonian anymore.

“Are you worried that it might bother him?” Mon-El’s warm, calm eyes. So obnoxious. Kara gnawed on her lower lip. “No, he wouldn’t. I don’t think… that wouldn’t make any sense. What’s in the past is in the past.” She rubbed her palm over her face and tilted her head. “I guess I should tell him? Just to be sure?”

_For honesty._

“Whatever you feel is right.” So calm. So diplomatic.

“You know, I think I will tell him. I don’t want there to be any secrets between us. Not now, not ever.”

“I’m not a secret.”

“No, you aren’t. I have nothing to be ashamed of.” Kara jumped up. “In fact, I’m going to tell him right away. Because you are wrong about this. Alex is wrong about this. As long as we are honest with each other, nothing is standing in our way.”

*

Kara felt her steps slow as she walked back to her mother’s house. Her head was swirling with thoughts. Somehow she felt more confused than before.

She saw Mon-El leaning on the wall next to the door, his gaze off far away, absent-mindedly playing with one of her old toys, a small silvery puzzle ball. He straightened up when he saw her arrive.

“How was it?”

Kara nodded and look down at her feet. “Good. I think.” She frowned. “He understands. I think.” She threw a weary glance at the upper levels. The lower floors were empty now, the guests having already left. Winn and James must have retired to their bedrooms already.

Kara shrugged and pointed at Mon-El to join her. She didn’t turn around to check as she walked up the stairs. Without really knowing why she made a beeline for the abandoned bottle. Slowly weighing it in her hand. It would be a waste to just leave it open. Kara brought it to her lips. There, it didn’t burn at all anymore once you got a taste for it.

“Your gift isn’t working anymore,” she complained to Mon-El.

“I told you, you are supposed to mix it.” Mix something that potent with Kryptonians’ sweet organic juices? Felt preposterous. Hugging the bottle to her chest, she marched over to the corner of the room. This wasn’t working anymore. Kara sighed and dropped onto the sofa, letting her eyes fall shut.

The conversation with Zan had gone well. So why was her mind still poking at it?

Mon-El settled down next to her. “Maybe part of you was hoping he would judge you?”

Kara opened her mouth. “What? No.”

Mon-El pressed his lips together and she could tell that he was fighting the temptation to point out her crinkle. “It’s good that he is so understanding. I mean, I couldn’t be married to somebody who isn’t.”

“I get that.” _Well you would,_ she thought. She sat up and took another swig from the bottle, before falling back into the cushions, eyes trained on the ceiling. As long she didn’t close them, things wouldn’t start spinning. Much.

Maybe there was a game to be had here. One between her and between the words dancing around in her mouth, surfing on top of the alien liquid.

“I hate the way it is between us. I hate that everything is complicated,” she raised her glass, proud that she was slurring her words only slightly. “I wish things could just be fun. Because you can be a pretty fun guy. I just wish it could be easy. Like, with a brother or a friend. Or really anybody I haven’t had sex with yet.” The words were galloping away from her. Kara giggled as she pictured them as a herd of unruly, bucking ponies trying to get out between her teeth. Except when she pictured it, they looked more like little blue furballs. Really cute ones too. What were furballs doing in her mouth? She extended her arm to hold her cup up high.

“I miss having sex with you.” There she had said it. Out loud. In the open. “I also hate you. And I’ll never forgive you,” she added quickly. After all she couldn’t let him get any wrong ideas. “But I also miss having sex with you. Because of the sex. Not because of you.” Kara tilted her head. It felt all woozy, but in a really pleasant sort of way. “It’s not Zan-Or’s fault that we haven’t done anything yet and I can’t remember him with it yet.” Kara twirled her fingers, her mind slowly settling on an idea. “You know what? It probably wasn’t really that good with you. I’m just remembering it wrong. It probably wasn’t good at all.” He smiled. “What? It’s not funny.” She drummed her fists angrily against his shoulder. “You suck, Mon-El of Daxam.”

Then she stopped and blinked. “Just so you know,” she said. “I hold my liquor much better now.” She swayed and he grabbed her arm. She let him lead her the few steps towards the guests’ facilities. Kryptonian bathrooms were stern and sterile. It had struck her the first time she stayed the night on Argo how she was no longer used to them. Human bathrooms always seemed like such frilly and happy places, full of cute towels and sweet smelling colorful soaps. She put her hand against the doorframe.

“You know what, I don’t need this.”

“Kara….”

“Just let me finish the bottle. Then you can leave.”

Mon-El tilted his head and gave her one of _those_ looks.

Kara felt her sharpness return to her, through the fuzzy cloud of alcohol. “Don’t look at me like that, Mon-El of Daxam!”

He sighed. “I’m here to support you.”

Kara rolled her eyes. “Great job you are doing.” Her head hurt.

“Do you trust me?”

Kara’s mouth hung open. What kind of question was that? “Of course.”

“Then do me a favor. Sit and calm down.”

Kara considered her options, particularly fuming quietly. Then she sighed. No, that wasn’t her intention. This was supposed to be a time to look forward to the future. And to reunite her future with her past.

“ ‘Kay,” she murmured. She watched Mon-El fill her up a glass of water, effortlessly making use of the Kryptonian faucet. Oh right, he’d been to Argo before. “Just so you know, I’m not mad at you.”

Mon-El looked up. “Good. I’m glad.”

She reluctantly took the glass from his hand, peering into it. Did she want to drink it? Her mouth still felt so pleasantly unfamiliar. “It’s just … “ Kara gnawed on her lip. “Alex.”

“Alex.”

“Yes. Alex.” Kara ran her hand through her hair. “You know the first time I came here, I kept thinking that Alex has never been to a Kryptonian bathroom before. And then when she comes to Argo I’ll have to explain it to her.” She turned to Mon-El. “Why hasn’t she come, Mon-El? Why isn’t she here with me? She always has my back. And I hers. So why isn’t she here?”

“Kara…”

“Why did she ask you to come? Why didn’t she come herself? I really, really thought she was coming around, that she understood what this means to me.” Kara felt herself growing angrier as she mulled over the question. Fueled by the moment, she jumped up, gently swaying on her feet. “You know what? I can’t believe Alex lied to me!” she growled.

“You know she only wants what’s best for you,” Mon-El said and put his hand on her shoulder.

“No, no.” Kara swatted at his arm. “I don’t want this. You know what? I’m going to see Zan-Or.”

“Kara, I don’t know whether that is the best idea, you are not really in any condition to…”

“I don’t care! You don’t tell me what to do!”


	6. Chapter 6

This was proving to be a lot harder than she had anticipated, Kara thought as she climbed on top of the recycling unit to scale the walls to her future mate’s window. Her fingertips hurt and her muscles trembled as she tried to pull herself up. Thankfully the ale hid everything under a fuzzy warm blanket. Pushing herself off the recycler, Kara managed to navigate herself onto the window sill.

She leaned her cheek against the glass. Oh right. Maybe she should have called ahead. Kryptonian windows were bulletproof just out of habit from what she remembered. Her fingers traced along the frame. Maybe there would be a way to open it?

As if responding to her ministrations, suddenly, the window gave way, swinging inwards. Kara squeaked as she lost her balance and smacked down right into her fiance’s bedroom, her reactions too dulled from the alcohol to even raise her arms in front of her face.

At least the carpet is soft, Kara mused. She rolled on her back and looked up to see Zan-Or standing over her, looking at her wide-eyed.

“Kara Zor-El? What are you doing here?”

“So I did come to the right place!” she exclaimed. After all, she technically had never been in his private room before. Kara giggled and held her index finger to her lips. “Shhhhh, don’t let your family hear you. I mean me. I mean you.” She struggled up to her feet and absentmindedly brushed down her jacket. “I was getting worried I might remember it wrong,” she chuckled. “After all, you’ve never invited me in here.”

Zan stared at her in disbelief. “Why are you here?”

Kara grabbed him by his plain green tunic and pushed him towards the sofa. “We should talk. This time without the ne-go-tiating, without our parents present.”

“I don’t see the need…” Kara hopped on the sofa next to him, eyes trained on her prey. She put her hand on his shoulder.

“We should get to know each other, Zan-Or.” Kara could see him furrow his brow in confusion. Maybe Mon-El was right after all and Kryptonians could be a bit dense sometimes. Then again, she might be acting obvious by human standards, but having missed out on experiencing young adulthood on Krypton, Kara wasn’t really sure what would be considered normal on Argo. If that was even the same as how it would have been on Krypton. Well, that couldn’t be helped. Kara cleared her throat. He did have a cute nose.

“We should mate,” she blurted out. “Before the ceremony I mean. I’ve talked to my mother and she says it’s normal. That most couples share intimacy during courtship.” Her face had turned bright red. She scooted over to him and lowered her voice suggestively. “It has been my conviction that physical compatibility is most conducive to a happy, I mean, to a successful partnership.”

Zan stared at her. He really had a most impressive jawline. Especially when he raised his eyebrows like this. “Are you inebriated, Kara Zor-El?”

Kara dissolved into giggles, then quickly covered her mouth with her hand. “A little.” She scooted closer to him. He smelled nice. Nice and very clean. Kara batted his eyelashes at him and slipped her hand into the wide collar of his shirt. “I’ve told you about my past, what about yours? You must have a past, too, don’t you? You can tell me anything.”

To her irritation, he squirmed away from her and grabbed her hand.

“I don’t think it’s the right time to have this conversation.”

Kara grabbed his hand tighter. “Oh, it’s okay if you don’t. I mean, I’m pretty good I think. I can work with that. I’ve got experience, you know.” She giggled again. “That won’t be a problem for me.”

Zan-Or stood up. Kara blinked. “I have nothing but respect for your mother and your family.“

Suddenly she felt a lot more sober. “My family? Is that the only reason why you want to get married to me? What about me? Do you even like me?”

“You are forgetting yourself, Kara Zor-El.”

“I’m forgetting myself? How dare you.” She stared at him. “If you had met me. Just like this. Without knowing my name, my family, my house, what would you have thought of me?”

Zan frowned. “You have been away for a long time Kara Zor-El. You have forgotten many of our ways. You are your family. You are your house. I thought you believed that too, that you believed in our ways and in preserving them.”

“Maybe the Kryptonian ways have to change.”

Zan-Or froze up visibly. “I think you should leave now, Kara Zor-El.”

“What?”

“You are in no condition to,” the man gritted his teeth. Kara had never seen him so mad before. “To debate this issue.” He grabbed her arm and marched her towards the door. She dug in her heels against his not so subtle nudge.

“Is that’s how it’s going to be? You going to hold my past against me, forever?”

His eyes narrowed. “I don’t care about your past. It’s your dedication to the future I question.”

*

*

Kara tumbled in through the window of the living room. At least this time she had managed to recover with a graceful roll. Mostly. “Ouff.” She rubbed her shoulder. It was still strange to get used to the unfamiliarity of not flying. Kara cursed to herself and scrambled up staring into the darkened room, peering at the dark shapes of furniture, now standing black and empty where just a short while ago cherished guests had milled. With very deliberate steps Kara pushed forward, the plush carpet swallowing the noise of her feet.

She giggled. What would Alex think if she saw her now? Now if only the room would stop spinning… _Focus._ If she let her eyes fall shut now, she would probably curl up and die from humiliation. So the trick was just not to do that. Not go to sleep. Deep breaths. She giggled again at the ludicrous situation.

“He rejected me,” she told the empty air. “Can you believe that. HE rejected ME!”

She walked over and dropped down into the soft cushions of the chaise longue. What had she even been thinking? Kara rubbed her cheek against the smooth, clean fabric. “He probably secretly thinks that I’m some sort of out of control lunatic,” she murmured.

Kara pulled a pillow over her face and groaned. Then she threw it in the air and punched it mid-flight. “What an ass!” she yelled at the air. She punched at the innocent pillow again, sending it spinning. Yeah... Much better like that. Kara sat up and ran her hand through her hair. Why was her throat so dry?

A wave of nausea passed through her. Just how much noise had she made? Was everybody asleep already? Kara pulled the abused pillow close, hugging it to her chest. At least it was soft and comfortable. No cute pattern, maybe that was something they could work on. Talk to mom about it. She picked at the pillow’s corners.

“You know what the worst part is?” She told it. “I still think of him.” Kara looked out into the darkened room. “Was that your great plan, Alex? Was that what you were trying to prove? To show me that I shouldn’t get married to somebody else because I’m still not over fucking Mon-El? Well, I got news for you: I’m not in love with him anymore. He, he just still makes me so mad. And when I’m angry I still think of him. Is that what you wanted to know? To know what I think of, really think of when he makes me mad? Because I have a feeling you don’t. “

Kara pulled the pillow close and lowered her voice conspiratorially.

“Fucking. Big, angry fucking. Mostly doggy style. Can you believe that we were dating for a year and we never got around doing it doggy style? I think that’s why I think about it. Because I never got to do. Me. Great, heroic Supergirl.” _Me, great, perfect Kara Zor-El._ “And Zan…” Her hand fumbled around in the darkness till she found what she had been looking for. Kara took another swig from the bottle. More burn. Good. “I’m not convinced that he’s a big fan of doggy style. Do you think that Mon-El likes it? Oh why am I even asking,” she mumbled. “He probably does. Probably does it all the time. “ _With his wife. His stupid, fucking, perfect, understanding wife._ Kara felt queasy. She brushed her hair out of her face. _Don’t think about it. Don’t._

Pillow.

The pillow was her friend. She should take it shopping back on earth. Show it what cute patterns pillows on earth could have. Dress it up all nice.

“Anyway, here I am, trying to plan my wedding and every time I see Mon-El all I can think of when I see him, see him standing, and talking and smiling, is how angry I am and how we never did it on all fours. That we never did all those things that he, that he … What a jerk! Fuck!”

She was yelling. Yelling in her mother’s home. Filled with her own guests. Slamming her hand into the furniture. And it hurt.

_Fuck._

It wasn’t supposed to hurt. Kara blinked. And she wasn’t supposed to make that much noise. And yet she was. Kara scrambled to her feet. Anger burned in her belly. She stumbled upstairs, taking two steps in one go, clinging to the railings to keep her balance. All her anger was focusing down on one thing. And he had to pay for it.


	7. Chapter 7

Kara kicked against the door and yowled. Oh, right, Kryptonian doors didn’t open like that. Also, she didn’t have super strength. Before she could make another attempt, the door slid to the side and there he was. Just standing in the door. “So, did you see Zan-Or,” he said.

Kara stared at him open-mouthed. Had Mon-El been waiting for her? Had he heard the commotion downstairs?

Kara’s eyes narrowed. If so, was he mocking her? She straightened her back and stalked inside. There was nothing to be mocked, nothing at all.

“Yes, I did,” she said.

Mon-El crossed his arms. “And?”

“And what?” she snapped. “We had a nice little chat. About our future. And then I went home.” Her hand found a strand of her hair and twirled it. _This is okay._

“Through the window…”

Kara paled. “You saw that,” she stuttered. _Back straight._ “Force of habit.”

He blinked. No retort. No attempt to contradict her. Her eyes swept the room. Mon-El’s bed looked untouched. So he had been waiting. She swung around.

“Talk to me. Tell me what you really think about that.”

“About what?”

Kara gesticulated wildly into the air. “This. All of this. Why do _you_ think Alex called you?”

“I’m not getting into the middle of this. I value my survival options.”

Kara snorted. “Don’t tell me you are scared of Zan-Or.”

“No, that’s not who I’m worried about.”

“Then what?” Kara put her hands on her hips. “It’s me, isn’t it? I will inform you that I’m completely sane. And sober.”

“No, it’s not just you.”

“Then what.” Kara sat down and blinked. “You think that this is between me and my mother!”

“And Alex.”

“Alex? Why Alex?”

Mon-El gave her one of _those_ looks. “What?”

“I’m not gonna tell you, this is between you three.”

“There’s nothing going on. Alex is just worried that I’m making a mistake. I’m not. Alex will come to see that.”

“Yeah, right.”

Kara blinked. “Then why don’t you tell me, Mr. Mon-El Smartest Man Of The Milky Way And Surrounding Areas Of Daxam? Because I don’t think I appreciate your sarcasm.”

Mon-El crossed his arms over his chest. “Alex is afraid that she might lose you. And so is your mother.”

Kara’s mouth hung open. “It’s not true,” she insisted.

Mon-El shrugged. “Okay. I’m wrong then. Forget that I said anything then. Anything else you want?”

“Well, no!”

She fell down onto his bed and started snoring.

*  
Kara woke up. The first thing she noticed was the unfamiliar position. The bed was oriented all wrong.

She opened her eyes and froze. Across from her, Mon-El slept, still fully dressed, in a chair. In front of the bed. His bed. His chest slowly rose and fell, his features relaxed from sleep.

For a second, she almost wished for a splitting headache, instead her head was painfully clear, no woozy cloud of alcohol there to protect her from senses. Kara cursed to herself. She had managed to make a complete fool out of herself.

Already morning light was falling in through the window. It was only a matter of minutes until the whole house would rise. She had to get out of here. Another quick glance at Mon-El and she lifted up the covers. Her feet connected with the floor. Kara blinked. Why was she wearing only one shoe?

Oh, Rao, she could already hear her mother’s voice downstairs.

Kara held her breath and snuck out quietly. Maybe, just maybe, her mother wouldn’t notice and question why she was coming out of Mon-El’s room first thing in the morning.


	8. Chapter 8

“You just disappeared yesterday.”

Kara ducked her head. “Yeah, I’m sorry.” She found herself constantly peering over to the entrance of the eating area. Out of all the people, Mon-El was the one who hadn’t joined. She was grateful for it, unsure just how she would have survived the embarrassment of having breakfast with him after how she had barged into his room and taken it over. And yet she didn’t quite trust the peace.

“Had us worried,” Winn joked.

Kara forced her attention back to her guests.

“You are not super here, after all,” James pleasant deep voice filled the room.

“I was hoping we would get a chance to talk,” Winn said.

Kara smiled uneasily. “There will be time for this today. I promise.”

Just where oh where was Mon-El?

*  
“Hey, Kara,” Winn touched her arm.

“Yes?”

“Can I grab you for a sec?”

Kara threw a longing look at the staircase to the upper level, but then collected herself. “Of course, Winn.”

Winn led her to the side and Kara followed.

“Sorry I left the party yesterday. I had something to discuss with Zan-Or. I hope you still had fun without me.”

“Yes. Cool. It was cool. Your friend Thara is really funny.” They both fell silent as they heard James’ amicable voice talking to Alura in the kitchen area. It had taken Kara a while to realize that it felt unfamiliar to see her mother act without the help of servants. Even the use of house robots was limited to account for Argo’s dearth of resources, limited even for a council member like Alura. Her mother seemed to carry the change of situation with grace and dignity.

Kara felt a sense of pride surge in her chest, that her family had been so forward thinking in regards to Krypton’s relationship with aliens. Befitting of their scientific background, but it felt good to see her mother had preserved that moral stance despite all odds. Kara felt tears threaten to well up in her eyes. Never would she have hoped that she would be given this gift again, of getting to hear her mother’s dulcet tones once more. Forcefully, she tore herself out of the moment.

“You wanted to talk to me?”

“So, getting married, huh?” Winn started. He playfully boxed against her shoulder. “Great adventure.”

“Yeah,” she murmured. Winn was fidgeting around nervously, his face painfully giving away that he was desperate to say something.

“Don’t you think that it seems, uhm, a tiny bit rushed?”

Kara rubbed her forehead. “I know it seems unusual to you, but it’s pretty normal here, considering the circumstances.”

Winn did a doubletake. “Really?”

“Yes, really.” Kara offered him a little smile.

Winn fidgeted a bit more. “Just seems a bit … sudden.”

 _You mean like you running off to move to the future, leaving us behind?_ Kara straightened her back. “If you don’t approve you shouldn’t have come.”

Winn seemed taken aback. He raised his hands defensively. “We wanted to see for ourselves. Look, we want you to be happy, Kara.”

“Zan-Or is my mate,” she said sharply. “Not yours. There is no need for you to approve of him. My approval is the only one that is required.”

It was a mistake to invite the humans. Kara froze. Or maybe that was exactly what Alex wanted.

“Kara, wait!”

“I don’t have time for this.” _I have a joining to prepare for._ Kara rubbed her forehead. “If you want to leave that’s fine. If not… just meet up with Thara for your trip and we can talk more later.” _Maybe after the joining, maybe then you will see that it’s not a problem. It’s not a big deal. It doesn’t have to be._

*

Kara found Mon-El standing on the first floor balcony, looking out over the other housing complexes. She paused a bit watching him quietly from behind, before stepping forward.

“I didn’t see you at breakfast,” she said softly.

“Don’t worry about it. I wasn’t hungry.”

Kara cleared her throat. “I’m sorry about how I behaved last night. That, that wasn’t right.”

Mon-El smiled. “Well, I did bring the ale, so technically I’m at fault. too.” He cocked his head. “Just so you know, you weren’t supposed to drink all of it by yourself.”

Kara felt her face heat up. She lowered her gaze and murmured something unintelligible.

“Hey, chin up. Don’t worry about it,” he said. “It happens to the best of us.”

Kara looked up carefully, her gaze darting around. Her memories of last night were still hazy. On top of the things she most decided she did _not_ want to remember. Instead her mind latched onto one specific thing. She shuffled closer to Mon-El, and she whispered. “What you said yesterday?”

“Yes?”

“Did you really mean it? About Alex? That she’s worried about losing me?”

“Look, I was just offering up a guess…”

Was it that obvious? Kara felt her throat close up. “Alex should know that she would never lose me. Never.”

Mon-El gently put his hand on her arm. “We can’t always think too clearly when the heart is involved. She worries about you.”

“Yes, she does.” Kara took a deep breath and looked straight into his eyes as if he could provide the answer to the questions that had been niggling away at her. “What if that’s wrong? What if I’m the one holding Alex back? What if I’m hurting her? We’ve always been together, she has always protected me. Maybe, maybe some distance would be good, maybe it would show her that she doesn’t have to do everything for me, there are other people who are willing to share that burden. It doesn’t mean that I would ever love her any less.” _Maybe it would give her time to focus on finally having the child she wants if she doesn’t always have to worry about me._

Mon-El sighed and quietly looked down at his hands. “Sometimes we can’t choose who our hearts connect to.” He looked up. “And Alex’s heart has chosen you.”

Kara bit her lip. “I do feel it, you know. A connection to this place. A desire to restore it, to keep it alive.” She looked at him. “It scares me that Alex doesn’t have this. That she doesn’t feel the way I feel. That there is this whole part of me that she doesn’t have access to.”

“Kara,” he said softly, “I’m pretty sure that scares her, too.”

Kara struggled for breath, to get over the big lump in her throat. “Alex, Alex has no reason to worry. This isn’t about her. Nothing about this could ever change what she means to me. Even if I marry Zan, I’m not going to stay on Argo. Zan has agreed to come and live with me, back on earth.” She smiled weakly. “He’s a botanist, you know. And open to join me and study earth’s flora. It wouldn’t have to change a thing. It won’t change a thing. I would still be at the DEO, I would still be Supergirl. The only difference is that there would be somebody living with me.” _After all, it worked before, don’t you remember?_

Kara grabbed the balcony’s handrail and stared down at the streets below. She shook her head. “Humans, they just don’t get it. Even Winn, and James, they say they are happy for me, but they are overreacting. All of them. They don’t understand that it doesn’t have to be a big deal. It doesn’t have to be a mistake. It can just be normal, too. They are not like…” She turned to Mon-El, meeting his eyes with hers.

“…like us,” he finished the sentence.

“Yes. I mean, I get it. Earth is different. For them, what I’m doing has a different history, a different connotation. I get that. I respect that. But I need them to understand that not everything is like earth. That things can be different for me.” Kara rubbed her forehead. “It’s just so confusing sometimes.”

She looked at him. “Do you think it’s wrong, too? To have pre-suggested marriages? After all, if Daxam had lived, that might have happened to you as well, wouldn’t it?” _You know what it feels like, don’t you?_

Mon-El sucked in a long labored breath, but then caught himself. “Daxamite marriages, they weren’t really like they are here.” He smiled wryly. “One could say, they didn’t exactly place a lot of value on emotional compatibility.”

“Yeah, I suppose they were done more with an eye on politics.” Kara inched closer and stood next to him, shoulder to shoulder. “Did you ever meet anybody who seemed to be happy with theirs?”

“You can’t look into people’s hearts,” Mon-El said gloomily.

“My parents were happy,” she said. “I have no reason to doubt that.”

“Were they pre-suggested?”

Kara frowned. “Well, no. But they still sought official validation after meeting each other. They just happened to meet first. I, I don’t have the time, to stay here and find a husband. And even if I did, there are not that many unmatched men left. Why not take advantage of pre-suggestion? And my mother, both our families, they just have out best interests at heart. They wouldn’t do anything to hurt us. Just because you are pre-suggested doesn’t mean you can’t have a real connection.”

“So,” Mon-El said, “do you feel it?”

“What do you mean?”

“A connection. To Zan-Or.”

Kara’s mouth hung open for a while. “I don’t really know him that well.” A light blush crept up her cheeks. “He’s quite handsome and he seems to be really sweet. And him being alien, being Rao-born, it just makes so many things so much easier.” Kara looked away. “When you and I, when we were together, before…there were many things about it that I liked, that I missed. I mean, it wasn’t always perfect, but… Zan-Or isn’t you or me. I’m smarter now as well. I’ll be different with him. More patient.” Kara blinked. _I want another chance, _she realized. _Another chance at happiness.___

__“Sounds good then.”_ _

__“I want to make things right. Do you know what I mean?”_ _

__“I think I do.”_ _

__Why oh why was it so easy to believe him? “I really should be talking to Zan-Or about this,” Kara said out aloud. She wrapped her arms around herself. “If he still want to talk to me after the stunt I pulled yesterday. As you, uhm, might have suspected I wasn’t exactly at my most diplomatic.”_ _

__Mon-El grinned. “I’m sure you were still perfectly charming and bewitching.”_ _

__Kara nodded, unsure whether to believe his praise. “I didn’t really make things easy for him, did I?”_ _

__Mon-El smiled softly. “If he’s a smart guy then he knows that you are worth it.”_ _

__Kara found herself smiling at him shyly. “Do, do you want to get out of here? Just to get away from it all for a while?”_ _


	9. Chapter 9

They started off at a respectful pace, befitting Argo and its inhabitants, full of decorum. It didn’t take long for their stroll to pick up speed, the further Alura’s house disappeared into the distance. Kara grinned. If he thought he could outdo her just because they didn’t have powers here, he was going to be sorely mistaken. She playfully bumped into him with her shoulder, as he took a particularly long stride. Mon-El whipped around, to keep himself from stumbling, giving her just the opening for another playful shove.

“Hey!” Mon-El patted his shoulder in mock hurt. A mischievous lit up in his eyes and before she could stop him, he’d grabbed her midriff, lifting her up before setting her down again.

“Ouch,” she yelled.

“Sorry, I forgot.”

“No, no problem.” Kara steadied her stance again and raised her fists. This time she was ready for it, twirling through easily under his extended arm and tapping him between the shoulder blades. “Alex taught me a thing or two,” she grinned.

Mon-El laughed. “I can tell.” He stepped closer to her. Using his advance to her advantage, Kara grabbed his arm and dove under it, twisting it behind his back.

“Not so easy, without a cape,” she taunted.

She released him and they laughed together. The artificial sun shone warmly on her cheeks and neck. She wanted to… Her eyes fell on the imposing dome of the greenhouse, the greenhouse where … The cool shadow of memory fell on her. Kara grabbed Mon-El’s arm and pulled him away. “Not here,” she murmured. That wouldn’t be appropriate, to go back, back to the place where their resolve had almost weakened, where they had come close to walking into a dream. It wasn’t something they could, or should, revisit.

Mon-El seemed oblivious, because he still smiled freely, squeezing her hand. “Where to, then?”

Kara gulped. Why was it so hard suddenly to meet his eyes? Her gaze darted around the surroundings. “There’s a water reservoir up there.”

He laughed. “Then let’s go.”

*  
The reservoir was a small artificial lake, surrounded by greenery. They were the only two living people there. Only two watchbots made the rounds, ensuring the bulky equipment that measured and cleaned the water had not taken any damage. Kara perched down at the shore and drew her hand through the water in amazement. It was still a miracle what Argo had been able to achieve despite their isolation.

Mon-El seemed to share her thoughts as he joined her side. “Looks beautiful enough to swim in,” he remarked.

Kara’s mouth hung open. “We couldn’t possibly!” Her eyes darted across the lake’s cool, smooth surface.

Mon-El grinned. “You are the host, I will follow your example,” he taunted.

“Mon-El!” How just like him to egg her on. Kara dipped her hand in the water and splashed him. He laughed and immediately paid her back in full with the same currency, creating a wave in her direction with his hand. Not wanting to be outdone, Kara kicked off her shoes and jumped into the reservoir, wading in till the water tickled right below her knees. With both hands, she took her revenge. They chased each other, their laughter echoing over the lake. Kara got him with a particularly spot on snipe. Sparkling drops rained down on him, soaking his shirt. She jumped up and grabbed it, tugging it playfully, almost like …

Kara froze. “What are we doing?” she murmured. Her face turned red. “Why are you doing this?” she continued in a much firmer voice.

Mon-El looked down at her. “Doing what?”

Kara bit her lip. “Why are you here?”

He frowned. “You asked me to come.”

“Yes.” Kara insisted. “But that doesn’t mean that you actually have to do it just because I said so. You don’t have to follow me all the time.”

“I don’t understand. Did you not want me to follow you?”

Kara’s grip on his shirt tightened, only for her to realize what she was doing. She released it as if it had burned her fingers. She turned her back on him quickly, folding her arms across her chest. “I think that’s what Alex planned all along,” she said firmly. “That’s why she tracked you down and sent you here. Because she was counting on you getting under my skin.” _And that it would lead to me messing up._

“Is what what you think she did?”

_Well, it certainly is what I’ve been doing. I’m freaked out, _she thought, _freaked out that you still know me so well. That we get along so well. I’m scared that I’ll never find somebody else who understands me the way you do._ “What am I even doing here? What if…” Kara blinked. Was what she was doing really so wrong, or was she thinking like a human? She brought her fist up to her lips and bit down on her knuckles.  
They were just talking. Her nightly outburst notwithstanding, things were normal between them. But she could see why others, particularly other non-Kryptonians, might see this as a bad sign. “Why did you come with me? Why did you let me get drunk? Why did you just stand by when I ran to make a fool of myself with Zan-Or?” _Why did you let me sleep in your bed?_ Her eyes widened. “I’ve been acting like an idiot.”__

__Mon-El burst into laughter. “Don’t worry about it, Kara.” Kara blinked. It was a pure miracle that she hadn’t already completely sabotaged her chances with Zan-Or._ _

__“Mon-El?”_ _

__“Yeah?”_ _

__“Do… do you think that there’s a chance that I’m going to marry Zan?”_ _

__He took his his time to reply and even when he started his words were slow and laboured._ _

__“On Daxam, it wouldn’t be seen as strange, to revisit your life and your old loves on the eve of your latching. It’s an important part, to say goodbye to one stage of your life to enter into the next one. Maybe that’s what Alex wanted for you.”_ _

__Past loves. Why did the thought of that still smart? No, she couldn’t think like that._ _

__“So you don’t think I’m crazy?”_ _

__“No, I don’t.”_ _

__“Why not?” Kara blurted out. She sucked in her lower lip. “With the way I’ve been acting, I wouldn’t exactly blame you.”_ _

__Mon-El ran his fingers through his hair. “Like I said, back on Daxam… it was considered quite normal that people would have… “ He frowned, searching for the right word. “Pre-wedding jitters. They were encouraged to spend their days on one last party, reflecting on their life… “_ _

__“Revisiting of loves.”_ _

__Mon-El smiled weakly. “That too.”_ _

__“So, it’s normal that I feel this way.”_ _

__“I think it is. You have to walk through your past in order to look to your future.”_ _

___Is that what you did,_ she wondered, _before you…_ Kara shook her head to forcefully expel that thought from her mind. _ _

__“Let’s get back to Alex,” she said, “What do I do to fix things between us?” Kara jumped up and started pacing. “Alex, Alex just doesn’t understand what I’m trying to do here, what this means to me.” Tears welled up in her eyes. “I try so hard to be human. For Alex. For Lena. For the humans I protect. But I’m not.”  
Mon-El breathed deeply. “But you are. Your heart is part human. You wanna know how I know? Because Alex is your heart.” _And you trust her.__ _

__“I …” she tried to protest what he had said, but deep down she knew that she couldn’t. “I think I better leave,” she said._ _

__“Kara…”_ _

__She stopped. “What if it’s true? What if she disapproves of this? What if she disapproves of me?” _Alex is my world._ “Why would she do that? I’d never disapprove of her. I would never deny her the chance to …”_ _

__“Alex loves you,” Mon-El insisted. “Just like you love her.”_ _

__“Then why don’t we see eye to e ye?”_ _


	10. Chapter 10

Tears burned in her eyes. “Alex. She won’t come.” Kara smiled sadly. “She’s so angry. She refuses to even set foot on Argo.”

“You know, Alex won’t be able to stay away.”

“Maybe I should call off the entire thing? At least for now? I don’t want to hurt Alex. If this really bothers her so much, then I don’t want to do it.” Kara turned around. “Maybe I could wait? Give it a couple more months till Alex comes around.” 

“Only you can answer that question, Kara.”

She wrapped her arms around herself. “What difference does it make?” Her voice sounded brittle and hollow. “Why won’t she understand…” 

“You have to give Alex time.”

Kara smiled sadly. “I think that sometimes Alex forgets that I’m not from earth. Or at least that I’m not just from earth.” Kara sighed. “It’s like there’s a Kryptonian part of me that doesn’t understand what the big deal is. And she….”

“Well, what does your heart say?”

Kara frowned. “Mostly my heart is just confused by the situation. It’s pretty useless.”

Mon-El smiled softly. “I have a hard time believing that.” When she didn’t react, he took her hand and elaborated. “Out of all the things, I’ve admired your heart the most.”

 _We found a connection, through the kindness in our hearts._ But what did that mean? Did Zan-Or _not_ have a kind heart? Or was she just too afraid to open hers? 

“I don’t want fear to be the thing that holds me back,” she decided aloud.

“Good,” Mon-El said. “That sounds like you. Knowing everything you do now, do you want to wait?”

“No,” Kara said emphatically. “Definitely not.” _Always jump in with both feet._ She could practically see those words in his secret smile. “Don’t laugh!” she complained. 

“I’m sorry.”

Kara found herself grinning back at him. “No, you aren’t.” 

“You might be right about that,” his voice full of playful warmth. 

*

They returned to laying side by side in peaceful quiet. Enjoyable. To just be. Like this, peaceful. Kara screwed her eyes shut trying to ward off the memory of the moment right before they had discovered Argo, when it had been just the two of them out there in space. As she tried to think of just about anything else, a thought came to her. 

“You aren’t jealous,” Kara blurted out. 

“I’m not,” he said without opening his eyes. 

Kara rolled to her side and looked at him. “Used to be.”

He shrugged. “I got better.”

Kara dragged her lower lip through her teeth. “I guess so.”

“People can change after all.”

 _I’m not sure I like it._ “It still feels all a bit … sudden.”

Mon-El opened his eyes. “I’m sorry about that.”

“It’s not your fault.” The words came to her so easily. She wondered just how often she had said them. Over and over again. They were true after all. Nothing she could do about that. Nobody to blame but fate. 

“I still wish I could change it.”

“But you can’t,” she completed the sentence. Kara rubbed the back of her neck. Suddenly the sun didn’t seem as warm anymore. She dragged her hand through the grass. 

“Alex thinks I’m doing this for the wrong reasons. Humans just think that the only good, the only ‘allowed’ reason to get married is out of love. I’m just so sick of explaining to her that it just isn’t such a big deal here. I just don’t see why I have to justify myself to her.”

“Have you tried? Explaining it to her, I mean.”

“No,” Kara admitted ruefully. 

“So what are your reasons?”

“It’s complicated.” Kara looked up. “You get that, don’t you?”

“I get what you are trying to do.” He frowned. “At least I think I do.”

Kara felt her heart beat lighter. “Really?”

Mon-El shrugged. “The love you feel for this place, for your mother, that is love, too. Sometimes it’s not so easy to cleanly separate duty and love.“

Kara looked away. “It wasn’t about duty with you.”

He smirked. “I’m glad about that.”

“Back then I worried it might make things messy, with the DEO “ - “you training me to be a hero” - “your lack of discipline…” she corrected him. 

Mon-El laughed. “Sometimes beautiful things can come out of something messy.”

“I guess they can.”

“I don’t regret what happened between us, our relationship,” she firmly. 

“Good. I’m glad.”

 _But things are different now. I want this. I need this. I need a future. Argo needs a future._

Worry lines appeared on his face. “You good?”

“Yeah,” she mumbled. “I do. I am. I feel better now. More at peace. I’m glad you are here. I’m glad Alex asked you to come.” 

Wordlessly, Mon-El reached over and squeezed her hand. He didn’t have to say it, the realization slowly seeped in all on its own. 

“I shouldn’t have doubted her.” Kara felt a new warmth return to her clam heart. Alex was going to be okay with this. Alex would be okay with Argo. They would find a way, a way to make this right. A new, clear goal rose inside of her. Kara got up. “I know what I have to do.”


	11. Chapter 11

Her feet felt heavy as she approached her parents’ house, endless stones weighing her down, slowing her step. Kara forced herself to smile as she saw her mother, busying herself in the garden. 

“Hi mom,” she whispered.

Her mother looked up. “Hello, Kara. Are you looking for your guests? Thara came to pick them up to take them on a tour to the recycling plant. If you hurry you can still catch them.”

“No, it’s alright. I, I just came to sit with you.” Alura smiled and returned to her gardening work. Kara watched as Alura’s fingers adeptly caressed the stems and plucked them of stray, unnecessary leaves. Maybe she had been too young to appreciate it, but she couldn’t remember ever having seen her mother like this. When she was growing up, her mother had always been loving, but also very busy. Even though Alura still had a high position in the council of Argo, it seemed their new way of life had greatly transformed the kind of work she did. 

“I didn’t see your Daxamite friend leave with the others.” Her mother began without turning around. “Mon-El is his name, isn’t it?”

“Yes, it is.”

More brown leaves found themselves stripped and placed in a bowl. “Kal came to visit here once,” her mother said warmly. “He brought his companion from earth. He’s very attached to her.” 

Kara ran her hands over the familiar knickknacks. “Yes, he is,” she said absentmindedly. Then she looked up abruptly. “Is that what you are wondering about, that I’m still too attached?” _To Mon-El? To Earth._

“Are you?” 

“We are,” Kara started. _Friends? Colleagues? Strangers?_ “Good. We are good.” She turned around, nervously rocking on her heels. “That’s not what I came here to talk about.” She smiled shyly. “I came to talk about you?” 

Alura put down the gardening shears and brushed her hands against her overcoat. “About me?”

Kara took a big breath. 

“Are you okay, mom?”

Alura stopped, looking concerned. “Of course I am, why wouldn’t I be?”

Kara bit her lip. “I’m not sure that things are right between us.” 

Her mother frowned. “Why wouldn’t they be?”

Where to start? “I hate,” Kara mumbled, “I hate feeling like I’m being ungrateful. Seeing you, having you back, it’s a miracle. No matter what happens, I never want you to think that I’m not happy to have you all back.” Her mother’s eyes were shiny with emotion. Alura stepped forward, swept away by the moment and cupped Kara’s face. “I’m so happy, too.”

“I guess part of me looks at this place and it feels like a dream. It’s happened so many times. I’d gotten so used to it never being true,” Kara knew she was babbling and she couldn’t stop. Hiccups wreaked through her as her mother pulled her into a tight hug, gently caressing her hair. 

“I’m so sorry, Kara my beloved child. We, we have lost so much.”

“I know,” Kara sobbed. “And I want that. I want to feel that again, but sometimes, sometimes I’m scared that we can’t get that back.”

“Of course we can. We just need time.”

“Is that why you want me here?”

“Of course I want you here! Can you blame me? Is it so strange that I would want to be close to my daughter? I’ve missed so much of your life.” The sadness in Alura’s eyes cut right into Kara’s heart. “It does not matter to me if you marry Zan-Or. I just wanted to give you something you couldn’t have … “

“… back on Earth,” Kara completed the sentence. “You thought that would connect me to Argo and make me want to stay. Or at least come by more often.” 

By now the tears were falling freely, from her mother’s, her strong, stoic mother’s eyes. Kara rushed in to clasp her mother’s shaking shoulders. 

“Yes, is that so wrong?” Alura sobbed.

“No! Never! It’s not. It’s not. Never apologize for wanting to be close to me.”

“You don’t have to marry him, not on my behalf. That’s not what I wanted. Never.”

“I won’t. If I marry him, it’s because I want it. I want it for myself.”

“I just want you to be happy, even if… “

“Shhh, it’s okay mom, it’s okay.”

*

“So, how did it go?” Mon-El said, turning away from the view to face her.

“Good. I think,” Kara noted with a frown. She sighed. “I went to see Zan’s family too and apologized for my horrid behavior yesterday.”

“And?”

“He was … consternated, but pretty understanding all things considered. I think he wants to take his time and see where things go from here.” _He wants to see if I screw up again._ “I’ll see him again in the afternoon. We agreed that it would make sense if we tried to spend more time together before the wedding.”

“Good.”

“Good?”

Mon-El smiled. “Well, you are very charming. Spending more time can only help. Here, wanna try?” Mon-El offered her a glass. Kara wrinkled her nose. “That isn’t…?” 

“Nope, just baraberry juice.”

Kara laughed. “Good, for one second I thought you might be trying to sabotage me.”

He grinned. “Wouldn’t dream of it.”

Kara blinked. It occurred to her that there was one question she hadn’t thought of asking him. “You are still married, aren’t you?”

His face went pale. 

“No,” he said simply. 

Kara gasped for air. Her hands balled into tight fists. “You should have told me!” It was supposed to sound all calm and reasonable, instead it emerged from her chest more like an enraged roar. 

Mon-El shook his head. “It doesn’t make a difference. It shouldn’t matter.”

“Damn right it doesn’t,” Kara hissed. “It changes nothing. You should have told me!” She started towards the exit only to whirl around as she was struck by a thought. "Did Alex know?"

"What? No. We never talked about it."

“Then why did she send you here!”

Mon-El rubbed his brow. “Kara, we have been over this.”

“Have we? Have we really?” 

“Hi Kara!” They both froze as Thara appeared behind them. The young Kryptonian’s face turned to worry. “Am I interrupting something?” 

“No, not…”

“Yes, in a way, you are,” Kara hissed. 

“Oh, I’m sorry.” The brunette looked around awkwardly. “I’ve been taking your Earthling friends on the tour like we discussed. “We just made it to the transgate and they wondered whether you might want to join us. They have a lot of questions.”

Kara willed her heartbeat to steady. This wasn’t Thara’s fault. She was just trying to help. Kara turned to her childhood friend. “Thank you, Thara. It really means a lot that you are helping them feel comfortable.”

Thara frowned. “It’s no bother.” 

“Tell James and Winn that I'm sorry, but I won't be joining them." Kara turned to Mon-El. "My Daxamite >friend< and I have something to discuss.” She grabbed Mon-El’s arm. “You! Are coming with me!”


	12. Chapter 12

She grabbed his shoulder. “I want to train!” 

“I don’t think that that’s a good idea.”

“Well,” she glared at him. “I happen to think that it’s an excellent idea.”

“I have more experience fighting without powers. Back at the Legion we placed a lot of importance on….”

She bounced playfully on her feet. “So what you are saying is that you think you can take me.” 

Mon-El had the decency to look worried. He raised his hands. 

“If all you want is to punch me, just say so.”

Kara’s lips formed an angry pout. “I do want to punch you. But I want to, you know, earn it.” 

He sighed. “This is not going to make you feel better, Kara.”

She jabbed at him. “That’s what you think.” Relenting, Mon-El raised his fists in a combat position. At last! Kara wanted to shake him and now she could finally do it. She threw a rain of fast following punches in his direction, which he caught with his palms. Kara frowned. Without powers, her rhythm was all off. But she could already feel her combat senses kicking in. _Yes._ That was exactly what she had wanted. Everything else fell away as she concentrated on her target. Her muscles and instincts did all the talking. 

At last a way she could not think of anything and just be in the moment, in tune with herself. 

*

Kara gave him one last push, sending him stumbling backwards against a tree. 

“Good job,” he said, “I give up.” 

Kara lowered her fists. Her body sang pleasantly with the energy of combat. Her breath had gone ragged. She felt… accomplished. With a groan she plopped her butt down on the grass and let well-worked-for tiredness wash over her. That had always been their thing, one thing she had enjoyed, this particular form of non-verbal communication. An odd sense of gratitude came over her. She looked up at him. 

“Be honest, were you just humoring me?” 

He grinned up at her. “I totally was.”

Kara laughed. “You totally weren’t.”

Mon-El sat up and rubbed his shoulder. “Would you have believed me, if I’d said I wasn’t.”

Kara tilted her head and crinkled her nose. “No, I wouldn’t,” she admitted with a smile. 

“See?”

*

They lay side by side, out in the field, the artificial sun burning down on them, looking up into the skies. Kara closed her eyes and for a brief moment, it almost felt real as she lay there, the warmth on her face, her muscles pleasurably sore from the exercise. She rolled to her side and looked at him. 

“You know what I hate more than anything? I hate that there are certain things I can’t talk to anybody about. Not Alex. Not my mother. Not Lena. Not J’onn. None of them would really get it. That even when I’m mad at you, there’s still a part of me that wants to run to you and ask you for advice. Of all people, you. Do you know what I’m talking about?” 

Mon-El looked away uneasily. “I have a feeling?”

“You do?” she said sarcastically. 

“Let’s call it a guess.” 

“Is that so? Then hit me with it.” 

He sighed. “You are angry.” “Yes.” “And frustrated.” “Yes.” “Drunk.” “Definitely.” “Also horny.” Kara’s hand flew up to her forehead. “I’m not horny.” 

“Okay then,” he confirmed. “Not horny.” 

Kara bit her lip and waited. It seemed like he didn’t have any plans to elaborate any further. “Why would I be horny?” she blurted out at last. 

Mon-El sighed. “You are in a complicated situation and you feel like you can’t get ahead any further. You are not getting ahead with Zan-Or.” Kara’s face turned red. “And so you want to take your frustration out on me.” He turned his head and looked straight into her eyes. “Not that kind of frustration. But you also don’t believe that there is any future for us and that makes you angry, too.” 

“So this is your brilliant analysis. If I’m in a bad mood obviously it must be because I want to have sex with you.” _Or because I want a future with you._

“No, you are frustrated with this situation and you want to distract yourself from it.” He sighed. “Kara, you need to work this out with Alex and your mother. Not me. Running away from that is not gonna fix anything.”

“Is that your way of telling me I shouldn’t marry Zan?” she said bitterly.

“No, this is my way of telling you should talk to Alex.”

“Oh right, that’s so easy for you. Alex is against the marriage and you think I’ll never do anything that would make Alex unhappy. So I blow off the wedding and you are oh so innocent, you didn’t have to lift a finger. Hell, you didn’t even have to disagree with me, even once! You can just sweep in and … ” Kara was ranting and she knew it. 

Mon-El looked at her calmly. “Alex loves you. If you talk to her and you explain it to her, and you really mean it, she’ll believe you.”


	13. Chapter 13

“You are coming with me!”

“Just let it go, Kara. I don’t have time for this. I have to work.” Alex looked around antsily, tension in her body as if she expected attackers to jump out at her. Here, in the middle of Argo.

“We are having this conversation whether you want to or not! I will drag you if I have to.” Kara pushed Alex towards the door. Inside the reception room Alura rose from her seat.

Kara took a deep breath and stepped forward.

“I asked you two to be here for a simple reason: You are the two most important people in my life and I feel like you don’t even know each other.” Kara gulped. Why was this situation making her so nervous? This wasn’t the first time Alex and Alura had met. The first time Kara had introduced them, she had been so excited to show Alex off to her mom, beaming with pride at the thought of showing off the person who had such an important effect on her life.

Alura took the initiative to break the silence. “Thank you, Alex, for everything. But most of all, for giving my daughter a home.”

Alex mumbled something unintelligible and looked down. Before she could pull away, Kara grabbed her arm.

“Alex, she has really only met…” She started to explain.

“Astra. Right.” Alura froze up. “I have many regrets about how I handled things in regards to my sister.”

“I understand…”

“Alex is an officer of the law as well.” _With a bit of an experience in handling wayward family members,_ Kara added internally. “She’s familiar with the tough choices one has to make.”

“I should have fought harder,” Alura said quietly and the two women exchanged a look of deep understanding.

“Me too,” Alex said.

 _It has to work,_ Kara told herself. After all, Alex and Alura both loved her. How could it be possible for them not to get along? She felt her heart go out in sympathy for Alex. How must it feel to be faced with the woman whose sister, whose spitting image, had died by your hand? But Alex had to see this, had to see that Alura was not the same woman as the one who had caused Alex, had caused Kara, had caused Earth so much hardship.

There was no doubt in Kara’s mind that Alex could do it. Just like she was sure that her mother could open her heart to Alex. Maybe Mon-El was right. Maybe this was what she truly needed from her life. 

“You are my worlds,” she said. “And I want my two worlds to meet. They shouldn’t be apart from each other any longer.”

*

Afterwards, she met Alex on the alcove. What was it with that silly trepidation she felt? After all, the meeting between Alex and Alura had gone well. Emotional but well. Even after she had left them to talk alone, she had felt good about it and judging from the pensive look on Alex’s face, it had given the older Danvers sister quite a bit to think about.

“It would really mean a lot to me if you got along.”

Alex patted her hand. “I’m trying.”

Kara wrapped her arm around her sister’s shoulder. “I know you are.” She rested her forehead on her sister’s shoulders. Why was this so hard? Why did it have to be? Why couldn’t things be easy? _You always want things to be easy, Mon-El._

“We good?”

“Always.”

Kara sighed with relief and for a moment, just enjoyed their closeness. Of course, deep down she knew that she couldn’t escape the last question.

“Kara, is this really what you want?

Kara froze up. “Don’t ask me that. That’s not fair.”

“What, how? I’m your sister. I _love_ you. How can that not be the one thing I have to ask you?”

Kara threw her hands up on exasperation. “All I know is that, I want something. I, I want, I want to be close to my mother again. I want to do something to help Argo. And I want you to be okay with that.” _I want Mon-El._ She pressed her lips together. “You, you don’t think that I’m over Mon-El.”

Alex smiled faintly. “No. That’s not true. I _know_ that you are not over what happened with Mon-El. And yeah, I guess I don’t understand how you can do this, all of this, when you aren’t.”

“How?” Kara said tonelessly, “How am I supposed to ever get over him if I don’t start opening my heart to somebody else?”

“How can you open your heart to somebody else when you aren’t honest with yourself? You had to deal with a lot. First you thought he was dead and then you had to cope with him coming back, with your mother coming back. You have a lot to deal with, nobody is blaming you if…”

“I am being honest. Mon-El means a lot to me. Meant a lot to me.” She faltered. “I’m really bad at this, aren’t I?”

Alex pulled her into a hug. “Yes, sis, yes you are,” she said calmly.

“I know I want this. Something like this. I want to be this.” _But I’m not._ But what did that say about her, about her place on Earth, on Argo? The lumps in her throat were threatening to turn each breath, each word into a painful effort. “You know, I wasn’t trying to get married just to get back at Mon-El,” she whispered- _Besides, he isn’t even married anymore. That changes everything. No wait, that changes nothing. Why would I …_

“Of course you weren’t.”

Kara closed her eyes and relaxed into her sister’s hug. If it weren’t for that one niggling feeling. “Alex, are you…?”

“Shush, Kara, just shhhhush. I’m always here for you.”


	14. Chapter 14

Kara felt clearer now, after having accompanied Alex back to the portal and having waved goodbye. Alex might be back on earth again, but their hearts felt close again. No trace of the cruel invisible wall of disagreement blocking them from each other. She was freer now, more whole.

And yet she hadn’t returned to earth with Alex.

 _You have to walk through your past in order to look to your future._ Maybe there was a reason her feet always led her back onto the same path. And since she kept finding him, maybe it was the same for him. She approached him quietly from behind, before taking the spot at his side, looking out over the gardens. Standing right above where not long ago she had tried to break into her own house.

“I’ve talked to Alex. And my mother.”

“And?”

Kara shrugged. “It was pretty painful, but I think we are on a good path.”

He smiled gently. “Good. I’m glad.”

“Me too.” She ran her palms over the stone rails. One breath. Another. “It’s still there, you know?” He looked at her. “I’ve sorted things out with Alex. And my mother. I was honest with myself. I talked to Zan-Or. I resolved things with everybody. But I’m still tense … I still want to … “ She turned to him and looked at his lips, letting her sentence trail off into nothingness.

Mon-El looked down on his hands. “Yeah, I thought there might be a chance.”

“How do you feel about that?”

His mouth twisted into a mournful smile. “Scared shitless, mostly.”

“But why?”

He looked at her. “Because I don’t believe that we could ever be with each other and not have it mean something. That we could be with each other and not have it hurt.”

“Maybe that isn’t the worst thing in the world.” Kara snuggled closer to him and took his hand. She traced along his index finger with her thumb. “When you had to leave earth, when you came back, I wasn’t ready for it. Maybe part of me still feels cheated. Like I never got to say goodbye. Do you understand that?”

“Yes,” he said breathlessly. “I do.”

Kara’s heart beat faster. “Good.”

“If you know that it will hurt, and you don’t think that it’s gonna change anything about us, why do you still want to do it?”

“I just do.” She shrugged. “I guess I’m just used to pain. It doesn’t have to be the worst thing in the world. Sometimes it reminds you that you’re still alive.”

Mon-El sighed and shook his head. “You really do still leap into everything with both feet.”

Kara grinned. “I guess I do. Besides, maybe I do remember it all wrong and it’s not as good as I remember.”

He laughed. “Sounds like a challenge.”

She tilted her head. “I guess it is.”

He looked out, away towards the horizon for a long time. “If that’s what you want, then we should do it here,” he said.

“I don’t want to,” she blurted out instinctively.

He turned to her. “Why not?”

“I dunno, just feels wrong.” Upon his questioning gaze she elaborated, “Argo, Argo still doesn’t feel quite real to me. Like it’s just a dream.”

“Aren’t we too?” “I don’t want us to be.” “I don’t think that I could do it, you know, back on earth.” _Back home. Back in the apartment that they had shared. Where they had been happy._ The unspoken words hung quietly in the air. Her mind raced trying to come up with some other suitable location. “Here is fine.”

“I’ll come and see you, then?” “Yes, see me tonight.”

_I need to know._


	15. Chapter 15

He’d been right. It was painful. More painful than she had ever imagined. 

And Kara hadn’t known what to expect. Part of her had hoped that maybe her anger would come back, like when they were training together, matching each other. That she would ride him and claw her fingers into his chest, to punish him for everything that had happened. Like a ferociously burning furnace searing away her rage. 

Or that it really would be overrated. That all the underlying animosity she felt towards him would help her not enjoy it. That she might have learned to grow indifferent towards it, to look at it from a distance and find it ridiculous what a fuss she had made about it. That she could get hung up on something as meaningless as her libido. 

Instead it was like the mournful bittersweet goodbye that they had never had. She nearly burst into tears when he took off his shirt and saw all the new scars she didn’t know. The ones she didn’t know the stories to. He climbed into bed with her, under the covers, on top of her and each kiss felt like a painful burn against her skin. Each touch brought with it a flood of memories. 

Kara wanted so much to tell him she hated him. That she despised him. The she’d never forgive him. But it took all her strength to keep her tears from steaming down her face. 

When he entered her and the bed moved, she buried her face in the crook of his neck and sobbed. It had never been like that when they were dating. Most of the time it had been her on top and they had to be careful not to harm the furniture or impact the foundation of the building, because hey, she wasn’t made of money and they couldn’t afford buying a new bed or couch each week or trouble with the neighbors. 

Here it was different, more raw. He was heavier, felt bigger. 

“It’s so different,” she whispered. He nodded and kissed her again, once more with his burning lips and her trembling legs closed around him. She stroked his sweat slicked back and grabbed his ass, urging him on. Had he done that with somebody else? Without powers? After meeting her? Had that felt like this too? Had he thought of her? Maybe that was normal in the future he came from.

“Kara, stop.” Her head shot up and she stared at him. “Stop … overthinking.” Mon-El slicked back her hair and kissed her forehead. “There’s only you,” he said simply. Kara nodded and tears shot into her eyes, because she didn’t really believe him. 

*

Afterwards, Mon-El sat on the edge of the bed, his back turned to her. His gaze wandered pensively across the room. It still felt surreal that she could just extend her hand and touch him and so she did. 

“How are you?” she asked. He froze and then looked at her. “Good,” he said. 

“So,” she teased, lightly. “How was it?” His lips twisted into a smile and she was pretty sure the good parts did overshadow the bad parts. “Painful.” He fell back onto the bed and snuggled closer. His hand found its way up to her face. “Fucking painful. But I think you were right. It was good that we did it.” 

“It, it doesn’t change how I feel,” she said, carefully picking her words. 

“Me neither,” he said glumly. He looked up. “So… overrated?”

Kara laughed. “It’s not primarily the word I would use.”

“Good.” He closed his eyes. 

She looked at him quietly. “Aren’t you going to ask me?”

“Ask you what?”

“Whether I’m still going to marry Zan.”

Mon-El sighed and kissed the side of her shoulder without opening his eyes. “So, are you going to marry Zan?”

“Probably not.” 

She had to give it to him. There was no moment of hesitation, no bracing himself as he waited for her answer. 

“Okay.”

“You don’t seem very surprised.”

Mon-El opened his eyes. “You’ll do what you want to do.”

Kara pressed her lips together. After a while, she couldn’t keep it in anymore. “It’s really that easy for you.”

“Easy what?”

“To see me. With somebody else.”

“It’s the Daxamite way. Value happiness.” 

Somehow the positive message of those words didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“So if I were Daxamite, none of this would matter to me?” she asked. “Going from one person to the next, regardless of whether you love them?”

“Probably not.” 

Kara smiled sadly. “Makes me almost wish I was one. You know, even a Kryptonian would think that it is highly irrational to…” 

Mon-El put his finger on her lips. “It doesn’t matter. You are always you.” 

“I guess I am.” Kara sucked in a ragged breath. “Hurts though.” _Hurts to be me. Shame on me for having a human heart._

Sadness shimmered in his eyes and she kissed him quickly, as if she was worried that somebody might see them and this little stolen kiss. 

“Don’t be worried,” she whispered and he nodded.

*

At least she had gotten him to not run off. There was a tension in his back that made her wonder whether he really wanted to. He had laid down, but he was close to the edge, back to her, one bad move and he might tumble out of the bed. 

It had never been like that before, when they were together. And yet there was familiarity in this, too. It felt right to the people they had become, wiser adults, no longer overgrown children stumbling through their first real relationship. 

"Maybe Alex did want to show me something. When she invited you, I mean." Kara traced her thumb along his spine. “And I guess she did.” Their relationship was different now. So many thoughts she never would have thought of thinking, thought of saying out loud before. “Sometimes I wonder whether I just got used to you.”

“Sometimes I wonder whether I just got lucky,” he replied. 

Kara frowned, unsure how to feel about this sentence. She caressed along his shoulder. 

“When I talked to my mom, she said she wanted to give me something I couldn’t have back on earth. Something to take with me.” There had been no doubt as to what exactly she had meant. Was there some truth to it? Had she been subtly pulling away from her mother, avoiding her? And this was her mother’s way to live on, to travel with her? 

Kara sat up and pulled the blanket closer to her chest. “I knew really early that I would probably never have children of my own. And that made me sad, but in a weird way, maybe that was easier. I was just so sure and maybe that certainty gave me comfort. It was out of my hands.” 

Kara blushed a little bit. “You know, when we were dating, sometimes I would look at you and think … “ Mon-El turned onto his back, looking up at her, an expression of curiosity on his face. “What?” A little giggle burst out of her and she quickly raised her hand to cover it. “That you would make a really messy father. Totally irresponsible. Not suitable at all. Yet.” She slung her arms around her knees and looked down on them. “I was being silly.” She cleared her throat. “What about you?”

Mon-El frowned. “What about me?”

She weighed her head. “You. Kids. Ever thought of it?” _Ever had any?_

“Looking at my family, I think some genetic material is just better off not being passed on,” he said bitterly. Mon-El sighed and sat up. Ran his hand through his hair. 

Kara said nothing for a while and eventually he looked up to her. Kara hugged her knees closer even tighter to her chest as she tried to arrange her thoughts and formulate what she felt. “I like to think that one of the beauties of children is the hope that they can do it better, have it better than we can. That they can be so much more than we could ever hope to.”

He looked at her introspectively. “For what it’s worth, I always thought you should have children.” 

“Why?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. I just felt that they would be wonderful.” 

Kara cleared her throat. “I could have a child, you know. With Zan-Or. Without the joining. Just make an arrangement and off to the birthing matrix they go. I could even agree to let him raise them. Here on Argo, with mom.” Fuck. This was harder to talk about than she had anticipated, to put into words just why she couldn’t do it. “It kills me to think that if I had children, it could meant that she might have a life like … “ “Like you?” “Yes.” Mon-El looked at her quietly for a long time. “I happen to remember that a very wise woman told me once that the beauty of children is our hope that they can have it so much better than we can.” 

Kara smiled weakly. Her chest hurt. “Even if it meant that she wouldn’t live with me? That I wouldn’t get to see her?” _Because otherwise she wouldn’t be safe?_ Was that what her mother felt? The thought of a tiny hand, wrapped around her finger, it made Kara’s heart ache. Maybe it was too late for her to have a normal life on Argo. Earth, her duty, her life, Alex … it had changed her, marked her. But maybe it could be something she could gift to another. And leave part of herself with her mother, too. Was it the right thing though? Was it fair? 

Mon-El covered her hands with his. “It’s your choice, Kara. I have faith that you’ll make the right one. Whatever it is.”


	16. Chapter 16

Kara slowly slunk towards Alex. One day the High Council would bite her head off for constantly darting off to earth, draining their precious energy resources.

"Hi."

"Hey you."

Alex face fell. "What's going on?"

“That bad, huh?” Kara sighed and rubbed the back of her neck. "You'll get mad."

"Why would I get mad?"

“Saw Mon-El. Talked a lot. Thought about a lot of things.”

“And?”

"I thought of having a child,” she murmured. “Up on Argo."

Alex steeled herself and sucked in a deep breath.

"I won't," Kara added quickly. She could see that Alex was fighting hard not to look too relieved. She knew that even if she had decided otherwise, Alex would always have supported her unconditionally.

Still, they both knew how badly the brave, wonderful sister wanted to be a mother herself and how much it hurt that the road towards adoption was proving to be slow and thorny.

"What made you decide against it?" Alex asked.

Kara winced. "I couldn't." The words were hard and came to her slowly, but she had to tell Alex. She had to tell someone. "When we first discovered Argo, there, there was this little boy. And Mon-El, he talked to him. Smiled at him. I remembered that, that image. And I just couldn't. It made me think that perhaps, I do want that. That it does make a difference. That if you have child, to have it with the person you love."

She sighed and stared down at her hands. "I'm, I'm not really over Mon-El, am I?"

Alex wordlessly slung her arm around Kara and pulled her into a hug.

"It, it's not him, you know. It's just ... " Kara bit her lip. "The way I felt about him. I miss that. I want that again. I want to feel like that again." _You've made me ... so happy._ She blinked away tears.

"You will Kara, I know you will."

“I feel like the world’s biggest jerk,” Kara sobbed.

“You aren’t,” Alex insisted. She rubbed Kara’s head with her knuckles. “And even if you were, I’d always have your back.”

~~ FIN ~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yes, thank you everybody for willing to stick with this story and sorry that it is so angsty. I think in a lot of way, this fic was me working through my season 3 feelings. It features all the things I loved from season 3 (Argo! Karamel having conversations about things!) and all the things I hated about it (the truth not coming out! Karamel suppressing their feelings!). I think I almost wrote it to sort of fit invisibly between s3 s4, to explain to myself why Mon-El wasn't mentioned in s4. That's why this story ends with basically returning to the status quo of the beginning of season 4 (Karamel split, Kara not knowing about the political marriage, Kara reaffirming her sisterhood with Alex, Kara not visiting Argo much, Kara being open to other relationships but not in a rush). 
> 
> So sorry for the (maybe?) tearjerker ending. I do feel really terrible, like I fear I might have lured people in with the promise of whacky arranged marriage hijinks and funny drunk!Kara. I didn't mean it this way, the story just ended up going that way. 
> 
> To me season 3 ended with Karamel not being open to the full extent of what was going on with them and so this fic ended on a very similar note to that and that state of things wasn't touched at all till maybe a little bit in episode 100. 
> 
> But I have heard your cries and even though this was the ending I wrote, this is what I sent to my beta, I am working on giving you at least one more bonus conversation where both Kara and Mon-El are a bit more honest to each other about their feelings.


	17. Bonus Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have heard your cries of sadness and frustration, so here is the bonus chapter where Kara goes back for one more truth. 
> 
> Thank you to Andromeda Smith for the beta job!

Kara looked down at her ring. The ring he had given her. Or rather thrown at her and told her she could use it whenever she needed him. Her mind settled uneasily on the contrast from when he had instead slipped it on her finger, to ensure she had the gift of flight, even when she was up there on Argo.

Could she do it? Just let him go again without a true goodbye?

Kara sucked in her lower lip. Was it weakness that led her back to him again and again? Or was it cowardice to not face him one last time?

***

Her path bent back towards her mother’s house, her heart fluttering in an uneasy staccato.

“Thank you for your hospitality.” Mon-El’s familiar voice floated easily through the air. This was it. He was still here. She’d have to face him.

Taking a deep breath, Kara poked in her head. “Hi. I’m back.”

Alura turned around, smiling warmly. “Your friend was just about to say goodbye.”

“Yes,” Kara smiled. “James and Winn told me as much.” Her gaze shifted over to Mon-El and lingered on him. “I was hoping to catch you in time.”

He laughed politely. “Well, you got me.” His voice went softer. “I wouldn’t have left without saying goodbye.”

“Good.”

Alura wiped her hands against the side of her dress. “Well, I leave you to two then,” she said. Kara mouthed a quiet thank you as her mother placed a calming hand on her shoulder, squeezing lightly before she stepped out. Alone with Mon-El, Kara let the silence between them settle for a moment as they waited for Alura to be out of earshot.

Mon-El tilted his head. “Everything good between you and Alex?”

“Yes. Yes, it is. We talked. We agreed that we would take things slow and I’ll take her to visit Argo more often.” She rubbed the side of her neck. “It’s not always easy with the council. But they are willing to compromise.” Kara bit her lip. “Guess I cause a whole lot of chaos here.”

Mon-El grinned. “They’ll get over it, I’m sure. They’ll see what they have in you.”

“I hope so, too.” Kryptonians could be … stubborn. Kara knew it would be a slow process to convince them to open up to new influences, to Earth. They had lost so much. It had been such a relief to see them willing to support her plea for help. Still, the activities of the cult of Reign had shaken them. And her recent actions probably hadn’t exactly instilled much confidence. “Time heals all wounds,” she said. “I’ll be patient. And I trust that they’ll be patient with me as well.”

He smiled again, so soft and easy on her eyes. Kara fought the urge to ask him to go with her back to the serene reservoir, to that peaceful pond, to just sit there again in the sun and splash the waters with their feet. No. Kara steeled herself. It was time to stop running away. She grabbed the back of a chair and squeezed it to steady herself. She willed her heart to beat calmly. Where to start?

“I feel like I haven’t been completely honest with you.” She chose her words carefully. “I tried to be fair to you, but I wasn’t.”

Mon-El paled. “It’s okay Kara, you don’t have to…”

“But I do have to!” She sucked in a deep breath. There it was, the moment to fess up. “I was angry at you,” she admitted. Kara winced inwardly. If only facing yourself were as easy as facing down her enemies. Still, she was Supergirl. She vowed to be truthful and not to be a coward. Even if sometimes the truth could really hurt. “I was angry at you because…” she bit her lip. “I felt like, like you betrayed me. You betrayed us. You fell in love.” Tears sprang from Kara’s eyes and she hated herself for what she was saying.

Countless times she had gone over these arguments. Technically he had never promised her that he would love her forever. Or that he would never leave her. Those had been her childish hopes. He hadn’t meant to leave. She was a good person. She was generous. Of course she wanted him to be happy. Of course she wouldn’t want him to be alone. It had been seven years for him, but not for her. And yet, no matter how much she knew all these things, the feeling of heartbreak wouldn’t go away. “You fell in love again, and I didn’t.”

“Kara, please, it’s not that simple.”

Kara bit down on the inside of her cheeks. She tried to steel her voice so it wouldn’t keep breaking. “Loved her enough to marry her, didn’t you?”

He opened his mouth to retort, but she raised her hand to halt his speech. “It just was too soon for me.” She blinked against her tears. “Maybe it’s still too soon.” She drew in a heavy breath. “I wanted to get there. I wanted to get there faster.” To skip right past that period of pain. The corners of her mouth twitched. “That wasn’t your fault, I realize that. I wasn’t being fair to you. And for that, I apologize. I, I was trying to rush things when I shouldn’t have.”

“You don’t have to apologize, Kara,” Mon-El’s voice went warm and soft, but when she looked his eyes were still full of pain. “Somebody wise told me once that we can’t will ourselves not to feel anything.”

“I know. Doesn’t mean I didn’t try. I’m different. I’m better now. I wanted things my way and I didn’t want to know what was going on with you.” The corners of her mouth twitched into a sad, unpleasant smile. “Maybe part of me wanted you to suffer, wanted to prove to myself that I could be with somebody else. And that wasn’t fair, to you or anybody else, but I’ll do better.” Kara braced herself. This, this was the real big step. “I’m ready to listen.”

It was haunting, how much pain, how much doubt there was in his gaze, how much her words seemed to be a genuine surprise to him. “Are you sure?”

“I promise,” she said quietly. At least the chair was being a pal in helping her keep upright. And here on Argo, at least it wouldn’t splinter in her hands if she ended up holding on too tightly. “I’m ready,” she said.

Mon-El ran his fingers through his hair, the same hair that had grown long during his absence. “It’s not gonna change anything,” he warned.

“I know, but … it’s okay, Mon-El. Tell me what’s going on with you. I want to hear it. I want to hear where you are.” _Even if it hurts._

He shook his head. “I’m not sure whether it’s worth it. I’m not sure whether I can.”

“Can what?”

He sighed. “Make sense of it. To you, to myself.” He smiled sadly, his gaze forlorn. “When I arrived on Earth, I thought I had it all figured out. That I knew how the world worked. And then… I met you. I fell for you and you changed everything for me.”

“You rocked my world. And I loved it. And just like that, it was over.”

“When I arrived in the future, I went crazy. All I could think about was you, I wanted to reach you. I wanted to tell you I was okay.” Tears glistened in his eyes. He wasn’t even seeing her. “I started digging. I tried to uncover everything, anything from the past. And you… you were just gone. There was no trace of you left.” He chuckled roughly. It sounded like it hurt. “I started to think that maybe I had gone mad, that you’d never been real, that I’d just made you up.” Kara held her breath. She wasn’t sure whether he even realized it, but his hand had twitched towards the pendant around his neck and he was clutching it, covering it with his hand.

He looked up, his tear-stained eyes searching her. “I wanted to honor what we had. What you taught me.”

“And Imra?”

“It felt right at the time. I thought it was what I deserved.”

“I don’t understand…” Kara whispered.

Once more, Mon-El’s gaze grew unfocused, thinking back to events past. “We had plans. The three of us. We knew what we wanted. I knew what I wanted.” He looked away. “We were so happy. I remember, I remember hugging her. We were so happy when her planet agreed to back the Legion. I wanted to make her happy. To pay it forward.” Mon-El shook his head.

“You are not making any sense, Mon-El.”

“J’onn said…” Mon-El’s jaw clenched tightly. “Forget it. It doesn’t matter.” He looked up.

“I did it,” he said. “I thought it was what I was supposed to do. I betrayed you. I lost you,” he whispered. His hands were shaking. “I lost you and I didn’t even know. I should have waited.”

Despite her efforts to hold on to her heart, Kara felts her soul widen in empathy. He hurt. He was hurting. She remembered what that felt like. Kara stepped forward and put her hands on his shoulders before cradling his head against her chest. Her fingers trembled as they brushed against his hair. He was shaking and she held him until the tremors of his body subsided. When they did, Mon-El’s hands gripped her sides and he pulled away.

“I hate this.” He looked up at her, like a man seeking help to keep from drowning. His eyes shone bright with pain and sorrow. “I hate that I feel this way. I know it’s not real. I know that when I go back to the future, I will remember that I love them, all of them, that they are wonderful, that I touched their lives and they touched mine. But then I look at you and everything I did, everything I am, it feels meaningless.“

“Mon-El, it isn’t.”

“Kara, please. I know that, but … ”

She cupped his face with both hands. “You will get over this. We both will.”

Mon-El’s lips twisted into a bitter smile and she could tell he didn’t believe her. His cheeks still within her grasp, he shook his head quietly, probably without realizing it. He let his eyelids fall shut. His jaw clenched as he sought to get his emotions in check.

“You can go back, Mon-El. You loved her before, you were happy once, you can do it again. Yes, I was angry when you came back. I was hurt. I was disappointed. But, that’s, that’s on me. You were right, you don’t have to tell me all of this, Mon-El. I don’t want to take what you have away from you. Love is important. I don’t want to be responsible for ruining things between you and Imra.”

“Kara…” Mon-El sighed. He ran his hand through his hair. His shoulders slumped. “I don’t think that it makes a difference.”

The laugh he wrung from his chest was hoarse and ugly.

“I don’t expect anything from you. I get it. I get what I did. But all I know is … I don’t want to live a lie anymore. I’m at peace with that. I didn’t want to stand in the way of Imra getting this chance…” he cleared his throat. “The chance to know what it is like to truly be loved. Fully. Without reservations. To do better than I did. She deserves as much.” His clear gray eyes sought hers. “I don’t regret what happened between us. I don’t regret meeting you. I got more than most people do in their entire lives.” He smiled ruefully. “I got probably more than a selfish Prince of Daxam deserved in the first place.”

Mon-El stood up.

“Look, I don’t want your pity. I’m fine. I really am.” He rubbed across his eyelids with the back of his hand. “Especially now. I, I feel so much lighter now. Thank you.” He sighed. “I didn’t want to burden you with all my problems. I brought this all on myself.” Absentmindedly, he gnawed on his lower lip. “Guess I should have had more faith in us.”

“No,” she said. “I’m glad. I’m not sure, I’m not sure I was ready for this before.” Kara’s head was swimming with countless thoughts. She didn’t know where to start. “But I’m glad you told me now,” she added quickly. “It’s better to know the truth.”

He nodded, unsure of himself, and turned to leave, to flee this situation between them. Kara’s fingers cramped up and she balled them into a fist. Mon-El had that haunted look on his face again as he realized that he would have to walk past her to get out.

“Mon-El?”

He paused.

“Are you still in love with me?”

He smiled sadly. “Always.” He stepped up to her and, gently pulling her in, kissed her forehead. “Remember, no matter what time, what universe I’m in, I’ll never not be in love with you.”

Her hand shot up, grabbing his arm. There was something, something that was gnawing on her. Something he had said. 

“You do know that, that you are not that Prince of Daxam anymore?”

Mon-El froze.

She reached up and cupped his face, gently stroking his cheek with her hand. “You are just … you. Mon-El. I know that. I know that, deep in my heart. And I hope you know that, too.”

He paused and held his breath. Then, wordlessly, he slung his arms around her and held her close, his body shaking with emotion. It, it hurt her heart to think that that was something she had left him in doubt of. Kara rested her cheek on his chest and willed him to sense her feelings, feel her calm.

Kara closed her eyes. _And I’m still in love with you._ Her fingers trembled and she said the hardest words she could think of: “I don’t think you should leave again.”

Mon-El’s eyes flew open. Something unspoken passed between them. Kara'sheart beat steady, at peace. She knew that he knew how she had meant it. They didn’t need any more words. She had given him an opening.

And, almost imperceptibly, he nodded.


	18. Bonus Bonus Chapter

It felt good to have Earthen ground below her feet again. As much as she loved Argo, as much as she wanted to love Argo, down here just felt more free, despite Earth’s many flaws. She grabbed Mon-El’s arm. “Let’s, let’s find some privacy.”

“Okay. You lead the way.”

Kara nodded and took to the skies. She frowned. As much as she wanted to get back to her apartment, it felt too intimate. Even at the DEO, every room, every nook and cranny, bled history. Their joint history. She dashed forward through the air, towards the nearby mountain range, secure in the knowledge that he was following right behind her.

She picked a small clearing. They had been there once, before they had started dating. She had taken him there to train , to offer him more options for destruction without hurting anybody. Kara looked over to Mon-El. “This good for you?”

He smiled. “Sure.”

They touched ground together. On a whim, Kara stripped her cape from her shoulders and spread it out. Dropping down on it, she invited Mon-El to join her and he did. Pleased, she pushed him down, till he was supine. Her work done, Kara rolled over and, snuggling up to him, demonstratively draped her arm across his chest. “Now, one more time,” she instructed, “from the top. And this time so I understand it.”

Worry lines appeared on his forehead. “I’m not sure that I should be talking about this. Especially not to you.”

She grabbed his hand and took it into hers. “We can be friends to each other,” she insisted. “Beyond all the other things we are.”

Mon-El sighed. “It’s like I said. There was once a stupid, haughty prince who met a very stubborn Kryptonian.” He glanced at her. “And she changed his life. It took him a while to truly get it, but in the end he wisened up.”

Mon-El cleared his throat. “When I came back, when I saw you again, I thought I knew what I had to do. That this was my test, my challenge. To show that I had truly become the man you wanted me to be. But the longer I stayed, the less sure I was.”

“I felt,” he paused and corrected himself, “I feel like a traitor. To Imra. Imra is a good person. I hate that there is a part of me that thinks that if I had known, I would never have married her. That wishes I had never married her. That I would have fought harder to find another way.”

He rubbed his face. “I hate that I feel this way.” Her looked at her, his desperation mounting. “What kind of jackass does it make me?”

Kara shook her head. “Don’t blame yourself. It hasn’t been that long for me. I’m sure if it had been seven years for me, I would have tried to find somebody new as well.”

“It’s different for me,” he insisted.

Kara shrugged and leaned against his shoulder. “Only you know that for sure.”

“When I got to the future, Imra was a good friend. I really admired her drive. I still do. She, she seemed to really get what I was trying to accomplish with the Legion. It felt like we were dreaming the same dream. And when it felt like there was a real chance for us, for our project to turn legitimate, we just agreed that it made sense to get married. I was floored that she was willing to make that kind of sacrifice. I didn’t really stop to think what it would mean for me.”

“And after that?” Kara asked.

Mon-El looked at her. “I wanted to make her happy. I liked her. It felt good to try and make her happy. Like it was the right thing to do. I was so sure. Until I saw you again.” His voice trailed off and it took a while for him to start up again. “I saw you again. I saw that you were in pain. And I hated that. I never wanted to be the source of your pain again. I thought I knew the right thing to do. That it would be best if I just kept my distance. That it would be best for everybody if I did.” He smiled wryly. “I guess I’m not done learning from you yet.”

She smiled in response and for a long, wordless moment, their eyes never left each other. “The answer is yes, by the way,” she blurted out.

Mon-El raised and eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

Kara blushed. “To the question you’ve been wondering about.” _Am I going to forgive you?_

“You mean Christie’s at the waterfront still has that all you can eat bacon extravaganza?”

Kara laughed. “Yes, that too.” He joined into her laughter and their hands found each other. Kara blushed and looked away. “Things are not going to be easy,” she warned. “And they aren’t going to be fast.” She snuggled closer. It felt so right. She felt besotted by his presence. Maybe she should have been stricter. Maybe she should have been more mad.

But she could just get back to that tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what do you think, is it enough to update the tags to hopeful ending? ^__^


End file.
